And how was your holiday? Shut up. I don't actually care. Perhaps you should go the New Shanghai Circus and tell them all about it. "Chinese acrobats, surprising illusions and daredevil feats combined with fast-paced fun, high-tech lighting, dramatic music and exotic costumes." Sounds completely fucking great to me, and you need to do something with your kids before dumping them off at their grandparents' for the rest of the break. 2 p.m. $40; children, $30. Cerritos Center, 12700 Center Court Dr., Cerritos, (800) 300-4345; www.cerritoscenter.com.
I've waded through and picked out your three best options, chitlins. Romantical Option No. 1: Catalina New Year's Eve Ball. Take a two-hour boat ride to the island (wrap warm), watch The Yachtsmen perform big band (my favorite) from the '30s through the '60s, and then stay over or come on back at, like, 1:30 a.m. 7 p.m.-midnight. Call for tickets. Casino Building, 1 Casino Way, Avalon, (310) 510-7400.
Unromantical Option No. 1: New Wave Prom with Flock of Goo Goo and some other people who don't matter because they're not Flock of Goo Goo. Flock of Goo Goo are the mostfun band ever, and you may get to throw a guy out of the pit while you pogo. 8 p.m. $12. 21+. Alex's Bar, 2913 E. Anaheim Blvd., Long Beach, (562) 434-8292.
Sexy-Sexy Sex-Sex Option to the Nth Power: Ladies and gentlemen, the right Reverend Al Green. 10 p.m. $130-$180. All ages. The Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700.
Sing it low and sweet with the magical croonings of Big Sandy & His Fly-Rite Boys. It'll be one of those times to catch up with all your friends you thought were dead. With The Dynotones. 9 p.m. $10. 21+. Doll Hut, 107 S. Adams St., Anaheim, (714) 533-1286; www.dollhut.com.
Wanna really piss off Bill O'Reilly? Of course you do! It's what you live for! (Me, the only reason I'm rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles is to piss off Rush Limbaugh.) Well, come on down to a big ol' show of ecumenicism, with the Procession of Lights. The Greater Huntington Beach Interfaith Council has invited leaders of the Islamic, Catholic, Jewish, Protestantand Eastern faiths and more for a tribute to religious and cultural diversity. Join in song and prayer while the international peace flame is presented and 200 white doves are released. Everyone present can contribute their personal written prayer, wish or thought for a more peaceful, safer world. The prayers are collected and ignited by (cue Susanna Hoffs) the Eternal Flame. Sounds like witch stuff to me! 2:30 p.m. Free. Huntington Beach Pier Plaza, Pacific Coast Hwy. & Main St., Huntington Beach, (714) 596-4747.
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You know what sounds nice? Going to the library. You know what sounds even nicer? Seeing the first day of "Senegal Streets—Watercolors by Mayoro Niang." That sounds good. Open 10 a.m.-8 p.m. Long Beach Public Library, Lower Level Gallery, 101 Pacific Ave., Long Beach, (562) 570-7500.
Here it is, a new year. Have you gotten off your ass and out from under your television yet? Did you go see Bette Midler and get inspired to become a camp diva? Me, too! Try it out at Open Mic Night. Do all that singing and talking stuff, and then enjoy a yummy coffee. Sign up, 7:30 p.m.; reading, 8 p.m. Alta Coffee House, 506 31st St., Newport Beach, (949) 675-0233.
MAKE YOUR NEEDS KNOWN! Assertiveness/Self Esteem Group, 1-2 p.m. $10 suggested donation. Mariposa Women's Counseling Center, 812 W. Town & Country Rd., Orange, (714) 547-6494.
I've got shopping to do, so let's let our fabulous theater listings write this one for us: "36 Views, Noami Iizuka's play that evokes Japanese artist Hokusai's famed series of 36 views of Mt. Fuji, takes place in 36 scenes and unveils the secrets behind the discovery of a rare work of art. When an art dealer and an art historian attempt to learn whether it's authentic, their search becomes an erotic game of greed, love, and mental hide-and-seek. Sexxxxay!!!" Good? Good. 8 p.m. $22.50-$45. Laguna Playhouse, 606 Laguna Canyon Rd., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-ARTS; www.lagunaplayhouse.com.