In a world filled with girls who want to look the same, one must veer from the oft-trodden path of emaciated, factory-stamped, bi-curious blond bimbos to find a woman unlike any other. Enter the sassy strutters and kicking butters of the burlesque (heels!) and derby girl (wheels!) scenes—gals who shatter both body stereotypes and noses, proving that sexy comes in more colors than a Puerto Rican prom dress.
These bodacious and battle-worn babes continue to revitalize and reinvent their time-honored art forms, and in a world in which kitsch and camp are often in short supply, they are solid proof that marketing geniuses can, indeed, come wrapped in fishnets.
We got the lowdown on a few of these bountiful, bold glamazons—what makes them tick, what makes them stick, and what leaves them as numb as Heidi Montag’s . . . well, entire face.
DIZZY VON DAMN!
HEELS! Origin: Bastard child of Bettie Page and Liberace. Status: Crowned Miss Viva Las Vegas in 2008, she has performed with burlesque legend Satan’s Angel, queen of the fire tassels. Best props: Apple-shaped pasties for her back-to-school number and Stars of David—please contact her for your next bar mitzvah. Most unusual night: Performed at a tattoo shop and, midroutine, noticed a group of 10-year-old boys hanging from the rafters. Prop that went awry: The time her 7-foot birdcage fell into the band’s drum kit. Worst pick-up line: “I have anchors tattooed on the backs of my legs, and a guy once asked me to ‘drop anchor’ on either side of his head.” Oddest request: Recently asked to sign a canned ham.
BRIK WALL
WHEELS! Origin: Hits girls like a ton of you-know-what, and then laughs. Status: Co-captain of the OC Crushers and so adored by fans that she has her own “I [Heart] Brik Wall” tees. Sexiest apparel: “Boycut undies, if you’re rocking them the right way.” Best derby night: Once hit a jammer so hard the gal flew up into the air and popped her collarbone when she landed. “I felt bad, but it was pretty hot.” Celebrity crush: Adam Sandler. Burlesque alter-ego would be: Hot Chocolate—“with marshmallows.” Turn-off: Limited wardrobe. “If on date three, you’re wearing the same thing you wore on date one, it’s no bueno.”
CHARLOTTE LA BELLE ARAIGNE’E
HEELS! Origin: Animated spider from Charlotte’s Web. Status: Placed third in the Viva Las Vegas burlesque contest—losing second place to a girl who humped a rocket. Earliest burlesque memory: Seeing a topless show in Las Vegas with her parents when she was 8 and announcing she would one day be a stripper. Their response: “Oh, you will be!” Interested in: Guys who look like the devil. Fantasy: “Sitting in a sparkly spider-web hammock on top of a building in Manhattan while a three-piece mariachi band play Spanish love songs as I sip on champagne and eat dark chocolate.” Burlesque mentor: Alice Cooper. Turn-ons: Caterpillar tractors and chicks who can beat the shit out of people in dark alleys.
DIRTY DEBORAH HARRY
WHEELS! Origin: Love child of her two namesakes. Status: Known as the “jammer assassin” and creator of the Psycho Ex-Girlfriends. Former claim to fame: Competitive figure skater. Mantra: “I don’t get hurt; I hurt other people.” Longs for: The days when kids and dogs could ride in the back of pickup trucks on the freeway. Best prop: “My ass.” Best move: Once hit a girl so hard that girl flew off the track, through the double auditorium doors and landed in the parking lot. Burlesque alter-ego would be: Mae West. Most-devoted fans: “Little girls who only have slutty, pole-dancing Hannah Montana princesses to idolize until they see us and realize they can be powerful.” Sexiest food/drink: “Booze. Who cares about food?” Turn-off: “Him living with his mom . . . and liking it.”
DIA BLOW
WHEELS! AND HEELS! Origin: Devil in Disguise. Status: Retired derby player with the LA Derby Dolls, now a burlesque performer. Mantra: In it for the violence. Worst injury: Broken fingers. Best derby uniform: For the Berzerkers, she wore a Viking helmet, long blond pigtails and furry boot covers. Likes: Falling—called the “Weeble” because she never really went all the way down. Favorite burlesque personas: A Boy Scout; the goddess Meditrina, pouring a bottle of wine over herself onstage. Good-luck slogan she hates: Pop a pastie. Perfect Valentine’s Day: Seeing the Vagina Monologues starring burlesque dancers and derby girls.
KIMBERLEE ROSE
HEELS! Origin: Homage to stripper icon Gypsy Rose Lee. Status: Known as the “Muppet of Burlesque” because of her fuzzy pink-and-green costume that is summarily stripped off by a surly hand puppet to the “Mahna Mahna” song. Best night: Dressed as the Elephant Man in a suit and with a bag on her head; at the final reveal, she proved she was “not an animal!” Favorite prop: Googly-eyed pasties. Perfect date: A trip into space with James Brown serenading her in zero gravity. Turn-off: General douchebaggery.
DISCO DERVISH
WHEELS! Origin: Born with a mirror-ball rattle in her hand. Status: Founder, OC Roller Girls. Mantra: Cheeky, not slutty. Turned on to derby after: Seeing a roller girl lift up her skirt, blow kisses to the audience and leave with a bloody nose at the end of the night. Best props: Corsets and red wigs. Favorite Valentines’s Day: “In third grade, there was this boy who’d chase me around, and he bought me this little card and some bubble bath—that’s when guys said, ‘I love you’ pretty fast!” Turn-on: Brains.
KATE FOX
HEELS! Origin: A proper British equestrian lady. Status: Founder, OC Underground Burlesque Society. Bestmove: The Booty Drop. Best routine: “Snow White biting into the apple and falling under a spell of crazed sexuality, writhing all over the stage.” Favorite prop: Sparkly Union Jack pasties—“a real pain in the ass to make.” Celebrity crush: French actress Eva Green. Would attempt roller derby if . . . she could skate and wasn’t a wuss.
MACHINE GUN JUBBLIES
WHEELS! Origin: Austin Powers fembot. Status: Fresh meat—first bout last September with the Crash Test Bunnies. Favorite uniform: Fishnets, thigh-high socks, garters and a mini derby skirt. Feelings about love: Owns a T-shirt that reads, “Cupid is a Rat Bastard.” Perfect derby night: “Make the winning score after knocking someone into the announcers’ table and walk out with my fishnets unripped.” Perfect Valentine’s Day gift: Heritage Softail Harley-Davidson. Best reply to a pick-up line: “I once told a guy I was a female impersonator. He didn’t believe me, so I pointed at my feet, and he ran off. My size 10s saved me.” Sexiest food: A Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger—“if you can eat it while riding a mechanical bull.” Turn-off: Guys who don’t “manscape.”
This article appeared in print as “Wheels, Heels & Sex Appeal.”
