How Can You Stop Montezuma's Revenge?

[¡Ask a Mexican!] And why are there so many adult Mexicans who remain virgins?

DEAR MEXICAN: I'm a handsome exemplar of the bronze race living in the motherland. I'm dating a beautiful and wonderful gringuita who is soon taking a trip over the border from the U.S. to Mexico for the first time to visit me and my pinche big family. There are a couple of things that worry me, though. First of all, she seems to have a fairly pessimistic view of Mexico (probably due to anti-Mexican propaganda and inherited biased family ideas). She says she's very excited to visit, but I can sense there's fear in her. What would you suggest I do so I can erase all her wrong gabacho misconceptions of la madre patria? Secondly, I fear for her health once she gets to eat real Mexican food. What can I do to ameliorate the devastating effects our unique cuisine has on unsuspecting foreigners and spare her from Montezuma's revenge, while still allowing her to delight herself in some great enchiladas or chiles rellenos?

El Guapo de México

DEAR HANDSOME ONE FROM MEXICO: To ameliorate your beloved's fears, just give her a nightly dose of your chorizo. As for Montezuma's revenge, I cite my answer from my libro, which you should buy a fourth copy of, just for the hell of it: "One of the worst cultural insults you can throw at people is to say that their food gives you diarrhea, and that's why the English language has so many euphemisms for the thing—Gandhi's revenge, Gyppy tummy, Delhi belly, the Rangoon runs, Tokyo trots. But none has stuck better in the gabacho mind than Montezuma's revenge, named after the Aztec emperor who lorded over Tenochtitlán when the Spaniards came. Spanish accounts maintain that Ol' Monty loved to drink his chocolate laced with muchos chiles, and his digestive tract cleared out almost daily. Whether it's true or not is a matter of historical intrigue, but the stereotype was quickly gobbled up by gabachos eager to fulfill their critique of Mexicans as a dirty, ugly race whose food can cause that disgusting stuff. That's the gabacho way—blame their weak digestive tract on the natives."

Mark Dancey

Details

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DEAR MEXICAN: A news story some time ago mentioned that a Centers for Disease Control study shows that 96 percent of all U.S. adults have had sex. However, breaking this down by ethnic group, the same study showed only 88 percent of all Mexican-American adults in the U.S. have ever had sex, the least of any ethnic group polled, leaving 12 percent without knowing the pleasures of relaciones sexuales. This appears to buck the stereotype that Mexicans are somehow spicier in matters of the sack than the rest of us, as well as the uglier stereotype that they breed like rabbits. I'm curious; besides the possibility of the effects of growing up with pervasive, strict Catholic guilt, are there cultural, biological or genetic reasons why so many of your fellow mexicanos are not experiencing the joys of gettin' it on with un amante of choice?

Gabacho Mariposa de Tejas

DEAR GAY GABACHO FROM TEXAS: Not only that, but another CDC report showed that Latinos were the ethnic group with the lowest rate of people who at least had oral sex before losing their virginity—39 percent compared to 56.6 percent of gabachos. Fact is, many Mexicans retain small-town puritanical values, which also explains why so many of our girls get pregnant. Wish there was a joke in all this, but the only chiste here is the lack of sex education in the Mexican community—that and a Pepito line showing the absurdity of it all, of course.

 
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41 comments
eric.nelson745
eric.nelson745 topcommenter

It was when George H.W. Bush threw up at a state dinner in Mexico City that made Montezuma's Revenge household words. That said, stay away from taco vendors in TJ.

downtownbrown
downtownbrown

"How do you stop Montezuma;s Revenge?"  Con Cortes, mijo, con Cortes.

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

 "small-town puritanical values"



hmmmm


vs



big city loose values



so being responsible and taking care


vs



whose this babies daddy


oh , sh I dont know or care as long


as I get dat gov check

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

and then YOU FEAR for her health as she eats real mexican food


all those stereotypes YOU "inherited" from that propaganda machine of your choosing

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

"anti-Mexican propaganda and inherited biased family ideas"


then she would not be yours


failed!!


try again

Jeff O'Brien
Jeff O'Brien

Couch potatoes who hit the sun, drink like idiots, stuff their face and suddenly get physically active are gonna get the shits

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

YES, you can stop Montezuma's Revenge


But Obamama wont put more agents at the border

samvalencia
samvalencia

I am a mexican born american living in mexico (family matters) for 5 years now. Retired (56 yo) and have yet to drink the tap water. I brush with it but rinse after with bottled water including the brush. Any way concerning that poll I can attest to the fact that these people breed like rabbits. Start real young, manner of dress and behavior. Parents usually look the other way or some even show pride in that their daughters are so attractive and get so much attention. And when they get pregnant just take it in stride, no shame or embarrassment. Some even show pride thereby giving the teen reason to continue. Contraception is non existing.

downtownbrown
downtownbrown

Mexican restaurant hygiene is notoriously lax.  I saw a waiter mopping the floor, wringing out the mop by hand then serving food immediately after.  Comida sabrosa pero barriga tormentosa.

assholeelephant
assholeelephant

After living in this city for ten years it still astonishes me that the New Times Phoenix does not find this article racist, and the image of the "Mexican" who we are all asking worldly advice from a modern day example of black face. I am sure if you were to ask a "Gringo" he would give you solutions to financial difficulties, and how to get your kids into a better school. I am not mad at ya. I just know the entire state is still filled with hermetic pinkies that watch the O'reilly as religiously as THIS mexican is fucking their daughters.

Ezra Frida
Ezra Frida

Dedonde sacaron al güey que se hace llamar el guapo de mexico? Chingado pinchi malinchista!

Lynn Maners
Lynn Maners

I'm a professor of Anthropology. One of the best lessons that I learned in grad school was, in going to the field, spend your first week or so in a first class hotel, but eat meals out of the hotel; street food, vendor stalls, local restaurants. That way, when the inevitable adjustment of internal flora happens, you 'll at least have a first class bathroom!

Mark Mayer
Mark Mayer

I prefer the term "tourista" for el chorillo. And it really is a thing, but it has nothing to do with food. It's the e. coli in the water. Everyone has a population of e. coli living in their gut, but there are regional/latitudinal differences. The effects of this seems most pronounced moving north to south. I eat all kinds of food here in Mexico and have no fear of street food. On my budget, dining out almost always means buying from street vendors. The only time I have EVER gotten sick was not from food, but from accidentally drinking a half glass of tap water. It was the middle of the night, I was half asleep, and I had downed half of it before I realized what I was doing. I was sick for a week. So the solution for El Guapo is to make sure his GF only drinks bottled water or water disinfected with microdyn or some such concoction. Make sure any raw fruits and vegetables are cleaned with purified water (check the directions on the bottle of microdyn). If you're not sure, ask. Beware of ice made with tap water! And that's about it. I brush my teeth with tap water, I just don't swallow it. Other than that one episode, I've never gotten tourista in the 3 1/2 years I've been living here in Mexico.

Victor Wesik
Victor Wesik

MONTEZUMA ajajajajajajaja MOCTEZUMA gringouss !!!!!

targetmedia
targetmedia

my doctor used to give me  a prescription of Cipro in advance...this really will clean it up!


I have been to Mexico so many times since I don't need it anymore-drink everything out of a bottle and you will be OK (that means no ice cubes also :) )

Richard Cendejas
Richard Cendejas

How ironic, we have the highest rate of adult virgins but extraordinarily high rate of teen pregnancy and unwed mothers. With the amount of sex ed, free condoms, free BC, etc. Given, those teenage Mexicans who get knocked up are just plain stupid.

Lynn Maners
Lynn Maners

Surprised that you didn't coin a new term: "gay-bacho," in response to your reader... :-)

DonAlbertoDoyle
DonAlbertoDoyle

I'd recommend she eat street food, rather than at restaurants, for the first few days.  The street food is always bought fresh in the wee hours of the morning, whereas restaurants can thaw and freeze, thaw and freeze, repeatedly.  The fancier the joint, the more likely they have menu options that diners only order occasionally.  Plus, with the possible exception of SE Asia, Mexico has the world's greatest street food.


Also, of course, drink bottled water.  Mexico City is sinking, so pipe breakage is common, and they really can't secure the entire water supply -- but it's a national embarrassment that other cities don't have potable tap water (or, if they call it potable, it may mean low e.coli counts, but it still smells funny).


The one thing NOT to do is take lomotil.  The cure is worse than the diarrhea, and the poor girl will bloat up like a dead fish, absolutely nothing making it through her system.  I'd rather hit the pot 12 times per day than take lomotil!

downtownbrown
downtownbrown

@samvalencia Thats why they have the quinceanera when the girl turns 15.  It's a green light to impregnate her.

gramene
gramene

@samvalencia The entire continent is America. It is split up into South America (area below the U.S.), North America (area above the U.S.) and Central America (the U.S.). I would expect you to know this, but you don't know what your family is doing so....

downtownbrown
downtownbrown

Silly mexica, using latin letters?  Write it in nahuatl or go back to your palapa.

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

@ElGabachoMasMacho @sweetliberty17761776



so your sense of fair play is out of commission


all those people who did it legally


and are in the process of doing it legally



here is the path


go back to mexico etc


and take the path to the local gov office etc etc



anything less is , again, punishing those who do it the right way


and sending the message that the wrong way works

kiity
kiity

@gramene Actually, North America is Canada, U.S. AND Mexico. Central America would include countries from Guatemala to Panama....the rest down south would be considered in South America.

elephantdick
elephantdick

@sweetliberty17761776 @elephantasshole @samvalencia


Where are your ancestors from? Unless you are Native american or Mexican Indian you have no basis to say who is or is not here illegally. Just keep watching that fox news and right before you go to bed think about all the Native Americans, and complete tribes of people who were wiped out so that your honky relatives could have a yard sale. Sweet liberty my ass.

 
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