The Gals and Guys Every OC Native Has Probably Dated

An illustrated version of our infamous listicles from last year

THE POCHO
OC girls might slum it with the occasional cholo or even go for a wab just for the hell of it, but they usually love the pocho the most. Otherwise known as an assimilated Mexican, his English is impeccable, he's only Mexican when you ask him to pillow talk en español or you're ordering tacos somewhere, and his name is easy on your tongue: Will instead of Guillermo, Joe instead of Joaquín, etc. But it doesn't matter: When you take him home to meet your family, he'll be thought of as an illegal-alien savage no matter what UCLA degree he earned.

Key exception: If you're a Mexican girl, you'll date every type of Mexican hombre in the vain hope of finding one who's not macho, a pussy or a mamí's boy, an ideal as preposterous as democracy taking hold in Mexico.

THE NERD
He's an office geek of some sort, whether working for a hip company in Irvine's technology hub, doing IT for a Fortune 500 company, or serving as the design guy for his boss or designing stuff on his own. He's always a nice guy, if a bit shy. His idea of a vacation is going to Comic-Con every year—he can't find you tickets, but you're more than welcome to join him at BlizzCon or WonderCon or D23 or whatever lesser-tier conventions he also attends 'cause he attends them all. The nerd's not very exciting, and you might dump him because of that, only to long for him after his IPO gets released and he moves away to Cupertino with a trophy wife, proving nerds always win in the end.

THE HIPSTER CHRISTIAN
He's always saying such things as "Praise Him" and citing the Gospel while sipping his latté from Portola after mass at ROCKHARBOR, Mars Hill, Saddleback or Newsong. Yet he also gets drunk and might smoke a cigarette. And he's waaay too happy all the time—probably because he has figured out that if he and his girlfriend do it in the butt, then she'll still be a virgin.

THE ALMOST EXECUTIVE
This guy has hustled forever doing the work of others, whether he's a real-estate agent, a rep for a company, an ad guy, a car salesman—you name it. But he's only doing that to pay the bills because he's working on a product that'll get him the home in Newport Coast he has coveted since senior year at Edison High. It could be a clothing line, a new game, a skateboard—just about anything—and he'll mention it as he takes you to the fanciest restaurants or most exclusive hotels, always telling you that one day, he'll turn in his leased Beemer and buy that Tesla he has been wanting for a couple of years. But his dreams never quite come true . . . so he has to re-up the lease.

THE STONER
Although OC has always been notoriously straight-laced, our gents have always loved getting rich off contraband, whether making bathtub whiskey during Prohibition, smuggling in hashish from Afghanistan in hollowed-out surfboards during the 1960s, smuggling in cocaine from Colombia during the 1970s and 1980s, smuggling in marijuana since forever, or running a legitimate co-op since the passage of Proposition 215. OC's typical stoner, however, is none of those. He spends his days lit thanks to his fraudulent medical-marijuana card, is now into e-cigs and treats his higher-end bongs as if they were Matisses. Maybe he has a job—and if he does, it has to somehow tolerate his lifestyle, which means he lives in a ratty apartment in Huntington or Newport Beach, or maybe Fullerton, but definitely not in South County. He deals small-time because he doesn't have the desire to do anything more ambitious than attending next year's Kush Expo. The stoner isn't a beach bum, although he's friends with them because how else are surfers supposed to get their local supply of Maui Wowie? He gets involved in politics only for weed and reads OC Weekly only for the "alternative medicine" ads.

THE BRO
Ah, the bro: our working-class hero, our wearer of MMA-style T-shirts, who'll go to fancy events in flip-flops and dreams of pounding Patrón in Vegas next weekend, who snickers at the rest of the men on this list and has the aggro-ness and muscles to follow through on any threats. While some people want to stereotype them as exclusively white—in fact, the owners of bro-tastic label Sullen Clothing once accused us of anti-white racism because we dared to write the company appeals mostly to bros—we've known enough guys to know that OC bros come in all ethnicities and fashion preferences. Persian bros come from Mission Viejo and Irvine and prefer spiked hair and luxury cars; Mexican bros blast Pearl Jam while driving big trucks that aren't lifted and wearing Dodgers jerseys; Asian bros care for their import cars, singing karaoke in Little Seoul and Yelping like a madman. And our HB contingent is almost exclusively working-class white, hates his white-trash 909 cousins and drives lifted trucks as though Tito Ortiz's life depended on it.

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21 comments
carlashworth
carlashworth

grew up North OC, the new East L.A.? graduated from CSUF, afterwards did time in UC Irvine. Though my heart yearned for regimented  suburbs of Irvine, Mission Viejo, even Aliso Viejo, my soul shriveled when I entered these city limits. Give me Garbage Grove or Anacrime anyday

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

we like his racism


his type will defend it as justice same way all racists of all races have done forever


and it means he is miserable 


the way all racists should be

Panglonymous
Panglonymous

This is making me sooooooo horny. I'd do these all again.

jmunoz0212
jmunoz0212

Great list, i love me some white-washed immigrant daughters.

penfuarts
penfuarts

Gustavo is the ultimate freedom fighter yo! Totally exposing all the corrurption in OC and making a difference in the Chicano world; PS. Want to buy some Weed accessories / Hookers / Beer?

jordanetodd
jordanetodd

And what about ravers? Wtf we're everywhere.

jordanetodd
jordanetodd

Where's the gay and lesbian stereotypes, we have plenty

liquidpixelz
liquidpixelz

This Santa Ana gabacho, married his spicy señorita from Costa Mesa and are living happily ever after...with 3 kids :P

Brainwashed_in_church
Brainwashed_in_church topcommenter

What about the Asian immigrant who drives a 1989 Camry, brings rice and beef to work in a plastic container, and has one of those red pagoda stringy things hanging from his rear view mirror? His entire wardrobe costs $69 but he earns $180K a year modifying anti-detection algorithms for stealth drones.

Or the Asian immigrant's son who drives the lowered Japanese car with the loud muffler device on it?

There's also the loudmouth east coast know it all transplant with his yankees or red sox hat [spits to cleanse the mouth]: "You coowl dese westawants? You chould see da westawants back in new yuwk".

Finally there's the bimbo who, after downing her 5000th bottle of wine, finally called it quits and and has metamorphosed into a self righteous Born Again complete with [pick your tax free] church bumper sticker on her red 1992 beemer.

ntcitizen
ntcitizen

Gustavo your feeble attempt to be funny is a failure and offensive. Your not so slick interjection of spanish into everything is isn't sly and only shows your contempt for anyone who isn't mexican. This is just another piece of dribble you are trying to pass off as journalism.

Lizz Jacobo
Lizz Jacobo

Hilarious! Some of these are spot on. I wonder if it took a group of people to get these together..

Jon Nguyen
Jon Nguyen

This is horribly offensive. Oh, the work of Gustavo the mega racist. Is he the one that flyered USC and UCLA? Colin Frost

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

@jordanetodd  


he's a lefty 


so he fears his homophobic attitude might be revealed which could reveal something else bout him


thats why he plays it safe and picks on whites

penfuarts
penfuarts

@ntcitizen You hit the nail on the head. By the way, want to fight the corporate white America, and uplift Mexico by subscribing to our wide array of Hooker/ massage services? How about a beer advertisement in every other page? Want to buy 420 accesorties?

Don't let Beer, pot, and hookers get in the way of our Freedom Fighting!!!

vivamehico
vivamehico

@ntcitizen  


hey, let me defend that beaner gustavo.. his jokes are funny if you are mexican... but then again if you are mexican, there's not much going on in your head except finding out where to get drunk and pass out anyway...so he has to keep his jokes at a certain level to entertain his mentally deficient primos

penfuarts
penfuarts

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees him for the Racist he is.

 
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