The Gals and Guys Every OC Native Has Probably Dated

An illustrated version of our infamous listicles from last year

Dating a Mexican girl will gift you many things. You'll learn another language and inevitably get an invite to a family function, whether a wedding, a quinceañera or a carne asada Sunday. If you're not Mexican, expect everyone to talk shit about you in Spanish; if you are, expect everyone to talk shit about you in Spanish and English. But at least you'll get to take a plate of carnitas home.

THE GOLD DIGGER
She's the gorgeous gal who will only date you if your American Express is black, your Mercedes is S-Class or above, and you were in college when she was still in utero. If you're none of the above, you might've bought her a drink at Gulfstream or Charlie Palmer's, a drink she quickly drank after seeing an Irvine Co. exec sit at the table across the room from you. Don't worry: In 20 years, her daughters will be all yours.

THE POOR LITTLE RICH SOUTH COUNTY PRINCESS
She grew up never setting foot north of the El Toro Y unless she attended Orange County School of the Arts or one of the Catholic high schools. Her dream is to buy into one of Irvine's latest developments or—if that doesn't pan out—a condo in Rancho Mission Viejo. The only reason she's slumming it with your Garbage Grove or Anacrime self is to spite her family—but once she has shocked her family, she'll marry a Mission Viejo douchebag and live as a housewife who lunches at Fashion Island or South Coast Plaza, the farthest north she'll ever dare to go during daytime hours.

THE BEACH BABE
The first famous girl in Orange County culture (despite our pre-World War II agricultural dominance, our farm girls could never compete in the national consciousness with those of Wisconsin or Iowa), the beach babe has enraptured OC's male mind since the Gabrieleños were camping in Bolsa Chica. When not traveling the world doing ads for Quiksilver or Billabong, she's posing for BL!SSS and sunning across OC. Unless you're in the action-sports industry yourself, your relationship is doomed to end when she finds a skier or surfer who's better-looking than you—and you know she will.

THE MILF
The best part about Orange County dating? Even if you can't get any of the aforementioned honies at their prime, you'll sure as hell nail them when they graciously transition into MILF-hood. In fact, all of these archetypes, as with tributaries to the Mississippi, lead toward a river of MILFs that dominate the county dating scene: We have the randiest collection this side of a Brazzers reel. The Real Housewives of Orange County only scrapes the surface of how they roll. And because we ain't sexist, the MILF inevitably attracts gold-digging young guns looking to get their bill paid at Javier's, the Quiet Woman, Foxfire—or any bar in South County. Are those breasts real? Only one way to find out!

*     *     *

The Guys

THE MUSICIAN
You get with this guy because the prospect of going out with the next Mike Ness or Tony Kanal is exciting—and besides, you'll be on the guest list at all the shows, plus be able to get into concerts that matter due to your beloved's connections. But reality sets in fast: the grind of serving as your guy's impromptu stagehand from backyard shows to shitty South County clubs to opening at the Coach House to maybe getting a slot at an all-day festival at the Observatory or Burger Records in eight years to gigging anywhere and everywhere possible during OC Music Awards season. The absolute lack of money—and when there is money, it gets dumped into the next bad YouTube video. And he lives for NAMM. Then he takes off on tour, and you're left to ponder whether all those Instagrams of him with fans are pre- or post-coital. The tipping point comes when you have to call your mom's AAA for the umpteenth time after his band's van fails to start off I-10 outside Quartzsite.

THE CONSERVATIVE
He always dresses sharp, always desires and spends money, always volunteers for the Orange County GOP, always is a smug douche. This guy thinks President Barack Obama is the devil, illegal immigrants are ruining this country and Reagan is god—though he has no feelings whatsoever. Usually, this type is in the closet. He'll take you to Newport or Laguna for a date, with the occasional SanTana stroll to show he's hip. Unless you're also conservative, you'll dump the guy after he becomes insufferable—which will take a couple of dates.

THE SUGAR DADDY
While the gold digger is an OC girl archetype, I don't believe most women who go for older men necessarily do it for money. Sometimes, the men of OC are really boys; sometimes, you gotta swing a couple of years or decades above your generation to find true love—or at least a summer romance, or even a guy to buy you a drink for the night. As for the guys who fall under this category? Always white-collar, always wearing a watch, always old enough to remember when new televisions still came with a UHF nob. They are very full of themselves yet insecure—why else would they go out with women the age of their daughters if not to desperately try to prove how hip they remain, Rogaine be damned?

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21 comments
carlashworth
carlashworth

grew up North OC, the new East L.A.? graduated from CSUF, afterwards did time in UC Irvine. Though my heart yearned for regimented  suburbs of Irvine, Mission Viejo, even Aliso Viejo, my soul shriveled when I entered these city limits. Give me Garbage Grove or Anacrime anyday

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

we like his racism


his type will defend it as justice same way all racists of all races have done forever


and it means he is miserable 


the way all racists should be

Panglonymous
Panglonymous

This is making me sooooooo horny. I'd do these all again.

jmunoz0212
jmunoz0212

Great list, i love me some white-washed immigrant daughters.

penfuarts
penfuarts

Gustavo is the ultimate freedom fighter yo! Totally exposing all the corrurption in OC and making a difference in the Chicano world; PS. Want to buy some Weed accessories / Hookers / Beer?

jordanetodd
jordanetodd

And what about ravers? Wtf we're everywhere.

jordanetodd
jordanetodd

Where's the gay and lesbian stereotypes, we have plenty

liquidpixelz
liquidpixelz

This Santa Ana gabacho, married his spicy señorita from Costa Mesa and are living happily ever after...with 3 kids :P

Brainwashed_in_church
Brainwashed_in_church topcommenter

What about the Asian immigrant who drives a 1989 Camry, brings rice and beef to work in a plastic container, and has one of those red pagoda stringy things hanging from his rear view mirror? His entire wardrobe costs $69 but he earns $180K a year modifying anti-detection algorithms for stealth drones.

Or the Asian immigrant's son who drives the lowered Japanese car with the loud muffler device on it?

There's also the loudmouth east coast know it all transplant with his yankees or red sox hat [spits to cleanse the mouth]: "You coowl dese westawants? You chould see da westawants back in new yuwk".

Finally there's the bimbo who, after downing her 5000th bottle of wine, finally called it quits and and has metamorphosed into a self righteous Born Again complete with [pick your tax free] church bumper sticker on her red 1992 beemer.

ntcitizen
ntcitizen

Gustavo your feeble attempt to be funny is a failure and offensive. Your not so slick interjection of spanish into everything is isn't sly and only shows your contempt for anyone who isn't mexican. This is just another piece of dribble you are trying to pass off as journalism.

Lizz Jacobo
Lizz Jacobo

Hilarious! Some of these are spot on. I wonder if it took a group of people to get these together..

Jon Nguyen
Jon Nguyen

This is horribly offensive. Oh, the work of Gustavo the mega racist. Is he the one that flyered USC and UCLA? Colin Frost

sweetliberty17761776
sweetliberty17761776 topcommenter

@jordanetodd  


he's a lefty 


so he fears his homophobic attitude might be revealed which could reveal something else bout him


thats why he plays it safe and picks on whites

penfuarts
penfuarts

@ntcitizen You hit the nail on the head. By the way, want to fight the corporate white America, and uplift Mexico by subscribing to our wide array of Hooker/ massage services? How about a beer advertisement in every other page? Want to buy 420 accesorties?

Don't let Beer, pot, and hookers get in the way of our Freedom Fighting!!!

vivamehico
vivamehico

@ntcitizen  


hey, let me defend that beaner gustavo.. his jokes are funny if you are mexican... but then again if you are mexican, there's not much going on in your head except finding out where to get drunk and pass out anyway...so he has to keep his jokes at a certain level to entertain his mentally deficient primos

penfuarts
penfuarts

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees him for the Racist he is.

 
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