By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
DEAR MEXICAN: Why do gabachos always feel the need to talk about money or trips they have taken? I always notice this when I am at any restaurant, as though they don't have nada más de que hablar. They make a point of speaking loudly for everybody to hear . . . especially if there is raza nearby.
DEAR DARK-SKINNED POCHA: Since this is ¡Ask a Mexican! and not ¡Ask a Gabacho!, I turn the columna over to what passes for ¡Ask a Gabacho! in los Estados United—not FOX News, but rather Christian Lander. He's a Canadian (which means he's not technically a gabacho, but we'll deem him as such until we turn him into a Mexican) and author of the hilarious book Stuff White People Like, which is the ¡Ask a Mexican! of the gabacho world, except far funnier and less profane. Go for it, Christian!
"White people believe taking a trip somewhere automatically makes them interesting—this is especially pronounced in white people younger than 25. If you are Mexican and a white person asks you about your heritage, be careful: This is usually the person's way of trying to move the conversation toward a trip he or she took to Central or South America. Unless it's a Republican white person, in which case the person is trying to figure out if you are here illegally.
"In terms of money, one of the more interesting things about white people is that none of them considers himself rich. Even those making six or seven figures consider themselves to be middle class. Ask Ann Romney.
"Finally, I don't want to poke a hole in your observations because they have been quite astute, but white people do not modulate the volume of their voice for any particular race. We speak this loudly because we just want everyone to know we're interesting, cultured people . . . or we're just self-absorbed. Either way, whether you want to or not, you're going to hear about my trip to Mexico City."
Gracias, Christian! Behold the future of America, folks: Canadians working with Mexicans to ridicule ustedes . . . va ser fun!
DEAR MEXICAN: Please tell me why Mexicans boycott Columbus Day? Christopher Columbus is not responsible for the influx of Europeans to the New World. According to history, Columbus never set foot on American soil. The invasion of the Spanish into Mexico, then moving into the United States caused the demise of the native. What is interesting is Columbus received the funds for the voyage from the Crown of Spain. Anyone with a Spanish surname has roots in Spain. It appears today's Latinos are protesting against their history or ancestors when joining with the natives. It is ironic the Hispanic flag features three crosses, signifying Columbus' ships: the Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria.
DEAR READERS: Mexicans can't boycott Columbus Day because they don't celebrate it. On Oct. 12, Mexico and the rest of Latin America celebrate El Día de la Raza (the Day of La Raza), which isn't meant to commemorate any single race, but rather the mestizaje that occurred after Columbus. It's surely a more positive way to celebrate the contact between the Old and New Worlds than commemorating a cruel pendejo who didn't discover mierda, who tortured the indigenous BLAH BLAH BLAH. Also? I had to Googlear the "Hispanic" flag you mentioned to remind myself of it; it's about as relevant to the Mexican experience as the condom.