The Complete Bros' Guide to the U.S. Open of Surfing

OC's premier surfing event explained for non-surfing idiots like you and me!

The Complete Bros' Guide to the U.S. Open of Surfing

This weekend, the surfing world will descend upon Huntington Beach for the U.S. Open of Surfing . . . and that's about all the non-sporting OC resident knows about it. We might be familiar with names—Kelly Slater, right? Brett Simpson? Rob Machado?—but what about the rest of the circus?

Thankfully, our own Jay Brockman is ready to explain the U.S. Open—not through jargon or florid essays, but through easy-to-follow infographics and hilarious bits of wisdom. See you in Surf City this weekend, and don't burn any couches! (Gustavo Arellano)


YOU CAN OFTEN HIDE FAIRLY CHEAP ACCESSORIES IN THE SAND
It's a poor man's beach locker, but it can work in a pinch. Be low-key and bury your booty (flip-flops, etc.) near a landmark—just beware of lurkers. 

IT WILL GET CHILLY AT NIGHT
Who wants to carry around extra clothes when you can use the power of the sun to warm you? Disregard all the health warnings about the dangers of sun exposure—that burn will keep you warm and glowing through the night. The next day will suck, but that's living in the future. Stay in the now.

LISTEN TO THE LIFEGUARDS
Your attitude can lead you to happily enjoying the rest of the day or taking a ride downtown with HB's bastards in blue—or, even better, drifting out to sea.

BRING A WATER BOTTLE
Refill stations are free, but bottles are not.

GET INVOLVED
Pick a surfer and cheer him on as you would your favorite sports team.

WHEN HE LOSES, FIND PEOPLE WHOSE SURFER IS STILL WINNING AND JOIN THEIR "TEAM"
Keep doing this until you make it to the finals. You can't lose with this strategy.

OCCASIONALLY POINT AT A BALD PERSON
Yell, "Oh, my God! IT'S KELLY SLATER!"

MAKE SURE TO CHECK IDS BEFORE "GOING TO THE FINALS" WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE
Underage sex, as well as drinking alcohol, is illegal at the U.S. Open.

TELL PEOPLE YOU WERE A WILD CARD FOR THE EVENT
But you tweaked your ankle doing reverse frontside airs on your last surfing trip and your sponsor wants you to take it easy.

ANY TIME YOU HEAR THE NAME ROB MACHADO . . .
Say you know him, adding that he is really cool.

SHAVE YOUR HEAD
In support of Kelly Slater.

PUT MARKER FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE
In support of Brett Simpson.

MAKE A FEW BUCKS
If you leave early, try to sell your parking spot to the highest bidder.

FUEL UP WITH CAFFEINE
Summer is not the best time for waves, which are subject to wind, so grab a hoodie and a cup of coffee and head out early.

REMEMBER: YOU MOVE IT, YOU LOSE IT
Hang out in the bleachers and take in the music from there. Possibly wear Depends and pack a lunch, as there are no saved seats in this reptilian Thunderdome.

CAN'T FIND A BATHROOM?
Look no farther than the shallows of the Pacific Ocean. Be careful of rips and waves because you will end up shitting your pants if you get dragged out to sea.

THE MUSIC VORTEX
The most important thing to remember when heading into any free event as concentrated and awesome as the U.S. Open of Surfing is that you really should prepare to lose everything. Keys/wallets/phones/hats/flip-flops/shirts/ sunglasses/virginity are all subject to the vortex. The factor for losing these items increases once the music begins.

FOR THE SKATERS
Snake or be snaked—and at the same time watch snakes! It's the Coastal Carnage Event, the raddest place to have a pro/am skate event. Bring your skateboard and maybe wear a costume (go as a pirate! You'll stand out amongst all the skinny jeans and boxer butts). Grab your GoPro and a friend, but make sure your friend is recording you, not chatting up girls. (Girls love cameras, and guys like girls.) You need someone you can trust to film a gnarly video you can upload to draw sponsors!

USE YOUR LADY FOR MORE THAN HER BODY—BY USING HER BODY
If you want to move closer to the action, use your girlfriend to lead as well as follow groups of girls through the crowd. Act as though you are with them, and the bro stare will be deflected. Walk with confidence but not swagger.

HOW TO CHEER
Watch from the "outfield" on the pier and start group chants for your favorite competitor. Imagine your chants control that surfer, and your cheers decide his or her destiny.

GIVE IT UP
Surrender your stuff to that one responsible friend who hates to be that person but secretly has no life. At that time, you should also implement an end-of-the-world plan so if you are separated by the fun, you can meet at a designated spot at the end of the day to plot your exodus.

KNOW IF YOU ARE A HO IN TOW!
It's okay! We bros love you and your unnaturally white hair; Bro-kini (see below); severe side and underboob; meaningless and confusing sleeve tattoo; aversion to going in the water; excessive makeup and fake eyelashes at the beach; and wearing of heels on the sand.

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3 comments
mer_la_mer
mer_la_mer

I don't know whats worse, actual douchey bro types, or the douchey anti bro (hipster) types that think they're clever/funny enough to write a satirical article from a bro's perspective.

mer_la_mer
mer_la_mer

sorry, drank some hateraid this morning. But seriously, being a douche to show you are less douchey than other douches is just tiresome.

 
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