By Daniel Kohn
By Imade Nibokun
By Arrissia Owen
By Lilledeshan Bose
By Sarah Bennett
By Adam Lovinus
By Jena Ardell
By Nate Jackson
Hi, folks, I'm Riley and this is 3hree Things: The Print Edition (cue "Popular Song" and FIREWORKS!). This column has been running on OC Weekly's Heard Mentality blog for the better part of two years, and despite appearing in a forum dedicated to music, its topics have been all over the map, ranging from sports to music to my masochistic consumption of fast food and the gastrointestinal gymnastics that ensue thereafter to sports to pop culture to . . . well, a little bit of music here and there.
1) THE LOWDOWN: I'm a 37-year-old drummer/writer from the band Thrice, whose vocation has somehow perpetuated my youthfulness (save my liver, back and aching wrists) and put me in a position that is neither "homeowner and father of two" nor "savage, wasted, band dickhead with a mentally challenged child's brain trapped in a (pasty and pudgy) man's body." That—with a heaping helping of snark and self-deprecation—is the perspective I write from.
2) WHAT HAPPENS HERE: I've got a precious 300 words in which to try to make your week better during the few seconds you might read this piece as you're waiting for your coffee, your table at a restaurant, or for your car to be washed; or while you're taking your morning dump; or after you've finished perusing the ads for strippers and escorts in the back of this thing. Stick with me. As Walter Schreifels of Rival Schools said, "Good things are coming our way."
3) A QUICKIE: I think a jewel in your crown of fortysomethingness is the moment when you fart, only to realize you're not actually at home in your boxers, but rather you're in line at Albertsons, and you just blew ass into the mouth of the 4-year-old behind you.
Until next month . . .
This column appeared in print as "On 3hree Things."