Is Mitt Romney Really Part-Mexican?

DEAR READERS: I usually save reruns of my columna for when I'm busy smuggling in a cousin from the rancho, but the ascendancy of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney must be addressed—namely, that he's half-Mexican. The lamestream media is treating this as a revelation—never mind that I addressed this issue during the last presidential campaign. Not only that, but many voters fear Romney's Mormon faith. Pendejos, that's the least scary part of the Romney agenda. So, sin further ado, here's my PSA for Mitt to clear up any confusion—hope you don't win, but I'll expect the ambassadorship to Guatemala for this service if my candidate Alfred E. Neuman doesn't triumph, cabrón.

DEAR MEXICAN: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6, "There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord." I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down—you are welcome by me.

Love My Brown Brothers

DEAR GABACHO: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion in which Jell-O is the only allowable narcotic. While we're talking about Moroni worshipers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he's such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney probably would've been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it weren't for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country's laws. His great-grandfather Miles Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt's papi, George, was born in Chihuahua and therefore is more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa's troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure Mitt's Brilliantined hair would grace America. One final point, Brown Brothers: Por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The above quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? In 2 Nephi 1:5, it tells the Saints that Lehi prophesied about America, "Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord." Hear that, Mitt? Let my gente go—into the United States for the free health care, por supuesto.

DEAR MEXICAN: I heard Mormonism is a quickly spreading religion down in ye olde Mexico. What is it about this religion that a lot of Mexicans find so fascinating?

Jack Mormón

DEAR GABACHO: Historically? Mexico has long had the second-largest community of Mormons in the world after the United States—official LDS figures estimate 1.2 million members live in Mexico, a significant increase from the 783,000 estimated in 1999. This community has existed for almost 135 years, created after polygamous Mormons who wanted to keep their multiple wives moved down south because, hey, anything goes down Mexico way, right? Sociologically? Mormons are masters of proselytizing—the increase in numbers "shows that a church group can produce a short-term phenomenal growth rate by committing resources to missionary activity," according to Professor James W. Dow in his 2003 scholarly paper "The Growth of Protestant Religions In Mexico and Central America." Theologically? My understanding of Mormonism is that it places an emphasis on the family, encourages couples to have as many children as possible, stresses the dominion of the husband over the family and hates homosexuals. If those attributes aren't appealing to Mexicans, then I'm Moroni himself.