By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
DEAR MEXICAN: Really? You answered "When Should You Use Usted Instead of Tú?" recently instead of my "Why Won't My Gardener Fuck Me Again If I Demand an HIV Test?" Any sad gabacho can Google grammar tips (no offense to Yo Quiero Hablar). Meanwhile, we clueless gabachas need to know how to love our Gardeners With Benefits while staying safe; hard-working gardeners are missing out on some incredible water breaks. And your readers, if they knew you fed them Spanish 101 tips instead of sexy backyard encounters, would probably hate usted a little.
In case you're still interested in answering my original question, here are a few details that might help to inform your response: I'm not ugly. I've seen Hot Gardener once since I first wrote you, and he made it clear he still wants to bang me but still has no intention of getting an HIV test. No, he didn't offer an explanation. We don't exchange a lot of words, Mexican; that's why I'm asking you. Did I mention I'm not ugly?
In the end, maybe a better question than my original "How offended should I be?" query would be "How do I get him to take the goddamn test so we can fuck again?" Your choice, of course.
Hot for Gardener
DEAR GABACHA: Chula, haven't you heard? There's an invasion of Mexicans in this country—I'm sure you can find a hot Mexican who's willing to take an HIV test before screwing you silly, especially if you're as hot as you claim to be, since Mexican men around hot gabachas are like day laborers around a truck. Besides, it's your jardinero's personal hang-up, not his culture's, that's stopping him from testing: A 2005 National Center for Health Statistics survey found testing rates were actually higher among Latinos in the United States than gabachos. My advice: Tell him your panocha is going to get manicured by the next hot Mexican gardener you meet, and he'll shape up pronto because the only thing that'll motivate an hombre to do what a woman wants is the prospect of losing his gabacha to another wab.
DEAR MEXICAN: There's a soccer team in Mexico named Chivas. Isn't a chiva a female goat? The players on the team are men. ¿Por que?
Gabacha Sin Escrúpulos
DEAR GABACHA WITHOUT SCRUPLES: VERY perceptive! A chiva is indeed a baby female goat, and there is indeed a Mexican first-division soccer team named Chivas. It's based in Guadalajara and perhaps the most popular squad in the country because it subscribes to the same Jaliscan superiority myth that birthed mariachi and tequila, and the rest of Mexico ate it hook, line y sinker. The club's official history states the nickname (the official name is Club Deportivo Guadalajara) came about in 1948, after a match against the team's in-city rival, Atlas: opposing fans ridiculed C.D. Guadalajara as playing like a bunch of chivas brinconas (skittish baby female goats), the same type of no-holds-barred Mexican-soccer insult that causes us to shout, "Osama! Osama" during U.S.-Mexico games. The club, however, embraced the nickname and has used it ever since becoming the Red Sox of Mexico: a team that really gets more attention than it should. ¡VIVA CRUZ AZUL, CABRONES!
GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Freedom University just opened in Georgia thanks to volunteers intent on educating undocumented college students in an era when states are doing their damnedest to keep young Mexicans stupid. More information can be found at freedomuniversitygeorgia.com.
Chivas-Southern California's favorite football team (including American football! :) )
Having said that-Chivas USA (AKA "Fake Chivas" in my house)- is a colossally bad idea-how do you expect a team built on being "Mexican only" in Mexico to appeal to the 1/2 the Mexicans, all the Central Americans and all the gringos who live in LA and are not welcome as fans or players at the "real" Chivas? Go Galaxy!
The mexiquences (from Mexico City) are the ones with a superiority complex, they call everybody else in Mexico pueblerinos.
Descubren contrabando de chorizo mexicano en frontera con EU
Pinche gustavo i didnt know you didnt like the best team in Mexico and the one that God goes for! El rebano sagrado Las Chivas! Dam you! Why didnt the migra get you! You know I used to sell socer equipment at the swapmeet and the cruz azul fans were very cheap!
The name "Chivas" came about from a game against "Tampico" - http://chivascampeon.com/pagin... .... MEXICAN - you are just bitter because Zacatuercas doesn't have a Division 1 Team - Salud compadre!!!
Gustavo, I agree with you about the gardner not wanting to loose "his" gabacha to another Mexicano. (Mexican men are a jealous bunch). But I don't think her sensual memory will be enough to make him take the test. I have to disagree with your statement that it's not the gardner's culture that's stopping him from testing for AIDS. I'm a gringa married to a Mexican and have lived in Mexico for 3 years. As I see it, Mexicans do not seem too trustful of doctors. Many buy medications (only by prescription in the U.S. but over the counter here) and treat themselves. They seem fearful of diseases and treatments and often ignore symptoms that should be checked out. They also are not into "preventative medicine" (or preventative maintenance either, but that's another subject).
The problem with Mamasita Caliente is that an AIDS test doesn't give her the REAL picture. If her Muy Guapo Jardinero (very handsome gardner) is negative...great (for now). BUT, there is a "window period" during the incubation process where AIDS doesn't show up on a test. If he is having sex with another partner(s) (which he would at a moment's notice, tu sabes), WHILE he's having sex with her, he may become infected and infect her at the same time. It wouldn't show up on a test right away and she'd already be infected. If they were exclusive (which ain't gonna' happen), he would need an AIDS test 3 months later to make sure that he's still negative. Let's hope he used a condom during their first 'adventura' and for all the rest in the future. She should NEVER have unprotected sex, especially in a non-monogamous relationship. Wrap up the 'palo' before it hits the 'panocha'.
Just my 2 pesos.
Maybe I ought to e-mail the Mexican that question because my Chica's family all have Doctor issues... They go, but then talk trash , "Pinche Docotor dont know shit, "I'm not taking that cholesterol medicine..." "I dont got no Asthma..." "They just want my money"" Its actually quite comical that they will go yet they do nothing the doctor tells them to do.
La maquina Azul, por favor! desgraciadamente no hay un equipo Zacatecano sino Tavo estaria de parte de ellos!