By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
DEAR MEXICAN: Really? You answered "When Should You Use Usted Instead of Tú?" recently instead of my "Why Won't My Gardener Fuck Me Again If I Demand an HIV Test?" Any sad gabacho can Google grammar tips (no offense to Yo Quiero Hablar). Meanwhile, we clueless gabachas need to know how to love our Gardeners With Benefits while staying safe; hard-working gardeners are missing out on some incredible water breaks. And your readers, if they knew you fed them Spanish 101 tips instead of sexy backyard encounters, would probably hate usted a little.
In case you're still interested in answering my original question, here are a few details that might help to inform your response: I'm not ugly. I've seen Hot Gardener once since I first wrote you, and he made it clear he still wants to bang me but still has no intention of getting an HIV test. No, he didn't offer an explanation. We don't exchange a lot of words, Mexican; that's why I'm asking you. Did I mention I'm not ugly?
In the end, maybe a better question than my original "How offended should I be?" query would be "How do I get him to take the goddamn test so we can fuck again?" Your choice, of course.
Hot for Gardener
DEAR GABACHA: Chula, haven't you heard? There's an invasion of Mexicans in this country—I'm sure you can find a hot Mexican who's willing to take an HIV test before screwing you silly, especially if you're as hot as you claim to be, since Mexican men around hot gabachas are like day laborers around a truck. Besides, it's your jardinero's personal hang-up, not his culture's, that's stopping him from testing: A 2005 National Center for Health Statistics survey found testing rates were actually higher among Latinos in the United States than gabachos. My advice: Tell him your panocha is going to get manicured by the next hot Mexican gardener you meet, and he'll shape up pronto because the only thing that'll motivate an hombre to do what a woman wants is the prospect of losing his gabacha to another wab.
DEAR MEXICAN: There's a soccer team in Mexico named Chivas. Isn't a chiva a female goat? The players on the team are men. ¿Por que?
Gabacha Sin Escrúpulos
DEAR GABACHA WITHOUT SCRUPLES: VERY perceptive! A chiva is indeed a baby female goat, and there is indeed a Mexican first-division soccer team named Chivas. It's based in Guadalajara and perhaps the most popular squad in the country because it subscribes to the same Jaliscan superiority myth that birthed mariachi and tequila, and the rest of Mexico ate it hook, line y sinker. The club's official history states the nickname (the official name is Club Deportivo Guadalajara) came about in 1948, after a match against the team's in-city rival, Atlas: opposing fans ridiculed C.D. Guadalajara as playing like a bunch of chivas brinconas (skittish baby female goats), the same type of no-holds-barred Mexican-soccer insult that causes us to shout, "Osama! Osama" during U.S.-Mexico games. The club, however, embraced the nickname and has used it ever since becoming the Red Sox of Mexico: a team that really gets more attention than it should. ¡VIVA CRUZ AZUL, CABRONES!
GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Freedom University just opened in Georgia thanks to volunteers intent on educating undocumented college students in an era when states are doing their damnedest to keep young Mexicans stupid. More information can be found at freedomuniversitygeorgia.com.