By Keith Plocek
By Edwin Goei
By Edwin Goei
By Matt Coker
By Edwin Goei
By Dave Mau
By Gustavo Arellano
Beer, beer, beer. What can you say? It’s great. Pain-go-bye-bye juice. Homer Simpson once called it the cure for, and source of, all mankind’s problems—or something like that. Ben Franklin said it was proof that God exists and wants us to be happy. It provoked quaint thoughts and queer fancies in Edgar Allan Poe. Even the ancient Egyptians loved the sauce, as the following proverb shows: “The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer.”
And when it comes to beer and sports, they complement each other as much as sex and begging. People drink it at sports venues, while watching sports on TV or listening to it on the radio, when drafting their fantasy-football teams, when talking about sports, when celebrating their team’s success and bitterly dealing with their failures.
But, of course, chugging beer and playing sports are incongruous at best. The hoppy goodness makes you fuzzy, stupid, erratic and clumsy and hinders your judgment. Recreationally, it’s far better to combine beer with sex than sports. That’s just stupid.
Or . . . is it? Following are 10 sports in which the liquid derived from saccharomyces cerevisiae (ale yeast) might not be mandatory and might not help your performance, but definitely enhances the experience.
You may have heard a resounding “awww, crap” echo across Huntington Beach in January. That was because Police Chief Ken Small put a ban on the most popular bar game of all time—beer pong. But enthusiasts of the game have gone underground; it’s not hard to set up a pyramid of red-plastic cups in the privacy of your own residence. In fact, it’s quite easy, and we highly recommend it! Partially fill some kegger cups with a beer of your choice (lighter seems to be easier to chug), arrange them in a triangle (the 3-2-1 format is traditional), then try to shoot a Ping-Pong ball into your opponent’s cup, making them drink the contents. (Of course, it’s always a good idea to keep another beer in one hand. You know, in case you get thirsty.) The one who ends up drinking all their cups is the loser, but let’s be honest: It’s really a win-win situation. (Erin DeWitt)
Not a sport, if you consider a sport being something you have to get off your ass to play, but definitely a sport in terms of competition and intensity. And without a doubt, playing chess while buzzed will open strategic doors you never could have imagined sober. It will also end disastrously. The real challenge of drinking beer while chessing: Can you really trust your opponent to not cheat when you have to break your urinary seal? (Joel Beers)
Get yer mind out of the gutter: This ain’t no Dan Savage-ism. It’s a competitive endeavor also known as Indiana horseshoes, corn toss and lots of other cute names. Basically, it’s all about throwing stuff into boxes. It’s like horseshoes, except wooden boxes, called cornhole platforms, are used instead of stakes, and corn bags are used instead of horseshoes. There’s a hole in the box, and any bag in the hole earns three points. If you just hit the platform, it’s one point. First tosser to hit 21 wins. It can be played anywhere, and as long as you can aim and toss 30 feet, you can play. Now, obviously, finding bags of corn might not be easy in Orange County, but you can use just about anything: rolled-up socks, potatoes, your grandmother’s panties. The sky’s the limit. And how can you not play any game called cornholing without your buddy Weiser in hand? Check out www.playcornhole.org for all the appropriate 411. (JB)
It’s not a true pub unless there’s a dart board hanging in a dark, cobwebby corner. Among the many drinking establishments, we like Campus Billiards in Cypress and the Irisher in Seal Beach. The game has been around for decades, and the dartboard itself has seen numerous makeovers, from being constructed of solid elm to sisal fibers. But one thing has remained steadfast throughout the years: Whatever you do, do not walk in front of one. The game of darts is designed to only take one hand to play—enabling the other to hold your drink—and revolves around throwing a really sharp thing across the room with as much precision as you can muster, which usually isn’t much as long as that other hand stays busy funneling booze into your face. (ED)
First: No one is supposed to bring beer into a city or county park (although you can get a permit to truck in suds at a county park for a wedding or special event). So, if you’re discing and drinking, you’re a bad, bad, bad person. It’s disrespectful, illegal and just bad form. But lots and lots of people do it. So if you are a sociopath who absolutely must imbibe while competing in this very difficult sport, keep this in mind: You might want to set your beer down before you spin a Herculean drive off the tee. A great deal of acceleration is needed to gain the necessary momentum for distance, and you’re probably going to spill some of the precious contents of your 40 of Olde English. Also, how about stashing the beer in a backpack or your disc bag and just sneaking a sip from time to time? Because the more beer cans and bottles strewn about a course—even in trash cans—the more the Man is aware that low-level criminality is occurring. And no one wants Him sniffing around. (JB)
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