By Gustavo Arellano
By Aimee Murillo
By Matt Coker
By Vickie Chang
By Matt Coker
By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
DEAR READERS: In the past couple of weeks, the Know Nothing nation has invaded my inbox with the question of why the United States can’t follow the stringent immigration laws of Mexico. They’re merely parroting a recent column by the reprehensible Michelle Malkin, who thought bringing up the issue was an original angle to rankle Reconquistas. ¡Que pendeja! The Mexican covered this question back in 2006, so let’s hop into the Hot Comal Time Machine and reprint the pregunta y mi answer:
DEAR MEXICAN: Why shouldn’t the United States adopt the same type of anti-illegal-immigration laws that Mexico keeps on its books? Illegal aliens in Mexico are felons—so why do Mexicans complain if the U.S. wants to do that as well? Mexico deported more than 200,000 Central Americans last year—so why do illegal aliens from Mexico complain if the U.S. deports a few? Foreign nationals in Mexico can’t stage massive marches in the streets of Mexico, waving the flags of their home countries—in fact, Mexican law prohibits such tactics under penalty of jail time. So how does “The Mexican” respond?
DEAR GABACHO: Why in God’s good name would Americans ever want to follow Mexico’s example? Mexico experienced boom times when it welcomed immigrants, and much of what passes for Mexican culture today came courtesy of the late-19th- and early-20th-century influxes: banda and norteño music (German and Czech), al pastor meat (Arab), Frida Kahlo (Jews), calling all Asians chinos (chinos). But once Mexico began cracking down on immigration after the drafting of the 1917 Mexican Constitution, which forced every foreigner to “strictly comply with the conditions established for him in the immigration permit and the dispositions established by the respective laws,” this once-promising country stagnated. A more liberal immigration policy is one of the things that distinguishes the United States from Mexico—that and flushable toilet paper. Like France, Mexico worries about the “purity” of its “national identity”; our Founding Fathers understood that immigrants enrich us with their customs, numbers and, sure, cheap labor. We agree on one thing: Like Mexico, we should deport more Central Americans. The Guatemalan menace must be stopped at all costs.
SHOUT OUT TO:The Flagstaff, Arizona, City Council for passing a resolution to sue the state over the reprehensible Senate Bill 1070. Another city to put on your buycott list . . .
NO CORRECTION ON MY PART: Many Know Nothings have insisted I erred in stating two weeks ago that SB 1070 allows for racial profiling. They all point to a provision thrown in that bans it. HAHAHAHAHAHA! If you honestly believe that will deter Arizona law enforcement from stopping Mexicans for “looking” illegal, then I have a puente in Brooklyn to sell you. . . .
ANOTHER GROUP OF UNDOCUMENTED MEXICANS IN ARIZONA TO CARE ABOUT: Wild burros. For the past decade or so, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) has been rounding up the little guys and their gabacho cousins, mustangs, and corralling them away from their natural habitats in the American West. For more information on the BLM’s latest inhumane actions, visit the In Defense of Animals website at idausa.org. And for a beautiful telling of how we got to this harassment of equine Mexis, buy Deanne Stillman’s Mustang: The Saga of the Wild Horse In the American West.
CONFIDENTIAL TO:The woman who wrote in an e-mail that I was an “ass-ugly, lice-ridden peasant” and “wetback fucker,” then proceeded to brag, “My sons wear masks at night and go around looking for wetbacks to beat the shit out of. It’s their small contribution to making America better.” Sticks and piedras may break my huesos, but your words will never hurt me. Your sons, on the other hand? I forwarded your e-mail to the proper authorities. May God bless you with beautiful half-Mexican grandkids, pendeja.
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org, youtube.com/askamexicano or myspace.com/ocwab. Or write to him at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433. Find him on Facebook and Twitter!
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city