Bassackwards

You are the rapscallion who continues to leave your scatological mark on the edge of the toilet seat in our gentlemen’s room. I have considered the possibility you simply lack the care to properly empty a colostomy bag; however, these are clearly marks of a wiping motion located (oddly) on the front edge of the seat. Since one would normally expect to see a few drops of errant urine or even the occasional crooked hair in this particular spot, I have no alternative but to conclude the obvious. It’s elementary! You are facing the wrong way!

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Matt Bors

This column appeared in print as "Know the Shitter, Sherlock!"