OC's 40-Year-Old-Virgin Thinks America Is Totally Screwed

A conservative Catholic in OC who can't get laid? Something else must be wrong with him

—From The Real 40 Year Old Virgin of Orange County

*     *     *

Tarquinto believes the United States was a much better place when he was born and is now facing its worst peril since the Civil War.

Deeply Roman Catholic, he says the problem with Americans—and especially members of his faith—is they have lost their moral bearings.

The country’s economic collapse is but a symptom. And the supposed cure to our nation’s woes—the election of President Barack Obama—was just bad medicine, according to Tarquinto, who did sell pharmaceuticals, after all.

Most frustrating to Tarquinto is polling that showed 54 percent of Catholics voted for Obama. “This is unacceptable,” Tarquinto says. “Zero percent of Catholics should have voted for Obama. The man is a dedicated supporter of abortion.”

That issue alone should have guided Catholics at the polls, according to Tarquinto, who was ashamed by the realization that members of his faith were “the deciding vote” in Obama’s election. “I thought Catholics could stand toe-to-toe with the likes of brilliant Judeo-Christian thinkers such as Dennis Prager, Rick Warren and Frank Pastore,” Tarquinto says. “Boy, was I wrong. Which validates my theory that maybe Catholics are stupid.”

Before these saint-sanctifying dummies can do any more damage, Tarquinto has penned his book to right the Catholic course.

As for any non-believers who may be thinking they now know why he’s the real 40-year-old virgin of Orange County, the author offers another hypothesis.

“My theory is this: If I am willing to be so brutally honest about something so embarrassing, why would I lie about anything?

“I’m hoping that some liberal will hear me and say, ‘Wait a minute. Maybe this virgin guy is onto something. Maybe he’s right. If this guy is willing to be so open and honest about something so personally humiliating, why would he lie about anything else?’”

Well, it is just a theory.

Tarquinto admits some who have found out about his book think it’s a joke.

“But when I tell them it’s true and I’m not kidding,” he says, “they are kind of stunned and tell me to call [Sean] Hannity or something.”

That, he claims, does not interest him.

“There isn’t going to be any 15 minutes of fame for me,” Tarquinto vows. “There isn’t going to be a reality show. I’m not going on with Dr. Phil. I want my country back.”

Read The Real 40 Year Old Virgin of Orange County at thereal40yearoldvirgin.us.

 

mcoker@ocweekly.com

 

 

 

This article appeared in print as "The Virgin Tony: An Aliso Viejo man wants to save America from itself with his autobiographical manifesto,The Real 40 Year Old Virgin of Orange County."

« Previous Page
 |
 
1
 
2
 
All
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
 
Anaheim Concert Tickets
Loading...