By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
14] San Clemente
Surfing-media capital of the world, bronzed, blond bombshells come here year-round to surf without wetsuit chafe. For that, they score sexy points, although we’ll have to subtract some for the creation of Rainbow sandals.
Adult film actress Eva Angelina hails from Tustin, and we hail Tustin for providing us with this multi-AVN-award-winning stunner!
As sterile as this city may be, the Orange County Great Park has recently harbored a tent-load of contortionists, which means it’s been getting some pretty freaky action.
17] Laguna Niguel
Blah 364 days of the year, during the annual mooning of Amtrak, Mugs Away Saloon (and unsuspecting train passengers) get more ass than a public toilet.
18] Fountain Valley
Aside from being the hometown of onetime American sweetheart Keri Russell, Gustavo Arellano points out that this city’s welcome sign, supposedly a fountain gushing water, looks more like a rear view of a woman bending over to touch her toes in crotchless panties. Overly Freudian? Google it.
19] Yorba Linda
Richard Nixon fucked over an entire country. That has to count for something.
20] Dana Point
Richard Henry Dana Jr. called it the only romantic spot in California. Plus, there are the Headlands.
21] Buena Park
Home to interactive dinner theater Medieval Times, this town is the closest we’ll ever come to getting lanced by a beefcake on horseback.
22] Los Alamitos
Speaking of horses, we hear tell this town is hung like one. Plus, former mayor Dean Grose apparently has an extreme fondness for melons.
The classier part of Little Saigon, this place is littered with nightclubs frequented by famous Vietnamese expatriates. Next time you’re dancing next to some hot number, think twice before shouting, “Daaang, girl, you look like a pop star!”
24] Laguna Woods
The arrival of the Baby Boomers at this retirement community has sparked a recent vibrancy and demand for more modern amenities such as preventive health care, a bigger gym and . . . a medical-marijuana dispensary. Chances are slim, but we can imagine the victory party to be quite pleasurable.
Birthplace of the recently defamed Tiger Woods . . . but we’ll leave him alone in honor of the number of holes he has conquered.
26] Rancho Santa Margarita
After much brain picking, we decided that Rancho Santa Margarita is sexy only at one intersection—where Antonio Parkway meets Avenida de las Banderas. We’ve got a thing for Spanish actors.
If Ben and Jerry were to come out with an Orange County mayoral line of ice cream, we’d want Ronny Garcia to be our flavor. His smile melts the scoops right off our cones.
Though this city suffers from one of the most unattractive potential misspellings of its name, it’s home to surf-punk band Agent Orange, whom we’re sure have made enough panties drop with their whammy bars.
29] Aliso Viejo
The Aliso Viejo Town Center has probably done a better job at getting South Countians laid than any other establishment. The recipe: Start the night with margaritas at Chili’s; follow it with a chick flick at the romantically plush, conveniently dark Edwards Theatre. Extra points for ending the date by treating them to something nice from the 24-hour Wal-Mart!
30] Lake Forest
Home of Saddleback Church, whose name Dan Savage has made sexual. He hasn’t managed to make it sexy, though. Have you seen Rick Warren?
ON THE BOTTOM
31] Mission Viejo
We imagine a lot of hate-sex happens after each bizarrely contentious City Council meeting, but we don’t like to imagine what that hate-sex looks like.
32] La Habra
La Habra’s all right if you’re into overly fertile women with tabloid nicknames.
33] La Palma
Is this seriously part of OC? Can we trade for Long Beach? Lakewood? Cerritos? Please?
34] Villa Park
Being the most Republican city in California, Villa Park is already pretty unsexy . . . but not containing a single park?! Now, that’s just outright deception. If you’re going to just make up a name, at least call yourself something awesome—like Boobiesburgh or Poontown.
With the story of Samantha Runnion still looming over this town, the already-unsexy Stanton places as least sexy of them all.
This article appeared in print as "Our Sexiest Cities: How exactly is it done in Orange County"