By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
There’s just something undeniably sexy about fresh-faced college coeds. Perhaps it’s the allure of their perky demeanor (okay, we mean tits) or scintillating intellect (. . . and ass), but between Fullerton’s five postsecondary institutions and bustling downtown district, this city is practically bursting at the seams with pretty young things eager for a side of good times to go along with their education. Whether they’re hitting the lounges on Commonwealth Avenue or running through the Cal State Fullerton campus in bras and panties, these lovely ladies truly understand the importance of maintaining a healthy set of extracurricular activities. Quote in the act: “Yes, Professor, I want an A. I want an A real bad.”
7] Santa Ana
It’s easy to get distracted these days by the hustle and bustle of the downtown Artists’ Village. With its collection of erotic photography and roofie-lethal martinis, Proof Bar alone is a veritable gold mine for one-night stands, but what really piques our interest (and puts this city on the list) are the safe-sex mavens of the Hermosa y Protegida (Miss Beautiful and Protected) pageant. Bold, busty and transgender, when these lovely Latinas aren’t strutting their hand-made curves for the Center Orange County’s beauty pageants, they’re making hipsters nervous on Fourth Street, waiting patiently in line at 3 a.m. at Taqueria de Anda, or cooing like Juan Gabriel while they’re cutting the hair of some macho. Yeah, their tits might not be real, and there’s a chance you might encounter some extra equipment, but at least it won’t burn when you pee the next morning! Quote in the act: Anything ever sung by cumbia legends La Sonora Dinamita.
8] Newport Beach
Welcome to the cougar’s den. Newport Beach is crawling with them. Sleek, svelte and maintained with the utmost excellence, these fiery felines are especially dangerous. They look killer for 40-plus and totally know it, but with the kind of money running through this city, how can they not afford to look good? Hungry for fresh meat, cougars scour the lengths of Fashion Island for the perfect plunging neckline with which to bait their prey. Their hunting grounds are coastal bars, and they can be spotted in prolific numbers on the Balboa Peninsula. If you encounter one, do not run. Newport Beach cougars are aggressive and spry from years of Pilates. Assume a submissive position, and chances are you will escape with limited mauling. Godspeed. Quote in the act: “Oh, oh, oooh—MAMA!”
Between the Holy Family Cathedral, the antiques market and the quaint, Deutschland-inspired architecture of Old Towne, you’d think the city of Orange would go rigid at the slightest molestation. You’re be right, of course, but perhaps going rigid isn’t such a bad thing. Two years ago, we ran a little piece profiling Club Amnesty, a then-thriving swinger’s club that brought “the lifestyle” and all its partner-swapping amenities to OC. Operating out of a quiet warehouse district in Orange, Amnesty managed to build its clientele to a climax of 5,000 members before, in a post-coital act of ingratitude, the squares at The Orange County Register brought the city down on them by exposing a “licensing” technicality. Even though Amnesty is no more, we’ve still got our afterglow. They were just that good. Quote in the act: “Our safe word is ‘undie run.’”
10] Huntington Beach
Massachusetts has the Massholes and Massholinas, New Jersey has the guidos and guidettes, but no other cultural phenomenon holds a candle to the bros and the bro-hos of Orange County. These beach-faring party animals span the length of our coastal communities but have an especially prolific presence in Surf City. Toned, tan and usually toasted, the bleached-blond bros divide their time between drinking, chest-bumping and cruising Main Street. Their female counterparts wear tramp stamps and chest implants like badges of honor and have a taste for anything mixed with Red Bull. So if you’re into slumming it and don’t mind the risk of catching crabs from a well-toned hottie in an Affliction T-shirt, Main Street is prime ground for hooking up. Even if you don’t find this a lick sexy, the bros and bro-hos sure do. They possess an animalistic attraction toward one another. It’s like OC’s version of the Jersey Shore—and hey, those kids get laid all the time. Quote in the act: “Hey, is this your Ed Hardy hoodie or mine?”
UP AND COMING
11] Laguna Hills
Does the dropping of drug charges against Henry T. Nicholas mean that nobody is going to testify under oath about the alleged sex dungeon? Sad face.
12] San Juan Capistrano
Once a year, this city counts more swallows per capita than any other city in the nation . . . and they like it, too.
13] Seal Beach
Home to a Naval Weapons Station, who wouldn’t get turned on knowing you’re sitting on top of 5,256 acres of raw firepower?