Orange County's Sexiest Cities

[Sex Issue] Our guide to the steamiest-and not so steamy-municipalities

Would we give Fullerton our real number? Would we kick Dana Point outta bed for eatin’ crackers? And just how drunk would we have to be to hook up with Fountain Valley?

We thought very long and very hard about these questions as they relate to every incorporated city in Orange County and our next-door-neighbor-with-benefits, Long Beach.

But a funny thing happened on the way to presenting this utterly unscientific but eminently doable ranking by relative hawtness: The popular Daily Beast website on Feb. 8 posted the best places for singles to hook up in America’s 101 largest cities. The top three on that list (Long Beach, Anaheim, Santa Ana) also made our top 10. Maybe we paid more attention during science than we thought.

So, behold the climax of our fevered fantasies—and sorry, Midway City and Sunset Beach: You’re still not gettin’ any.

10 ON TOP

1] Costa Mesa
Oh, Costa Mesa, you are one hot, hot mess. As sexy as suburbia will ever get, we don’t know whether to kiss you or snort a line of coke off your sweet, sweet ass. The town is teeming with legions of the wanton, fabulous and broke. Any free time left over from trying to pour yourself into your sinfully tight jeans is spent trying to get into someone else’s. We’ve seen you, you little tarts! In the corner of some dingy dive, making out with the drummer of a band who are so hip even they haven’t heard of themselves. Where else can you can brown-bag it to the blues of Brother Cecil at Avalon one night and catch the bad boys of the Black Lips whip their wieners out on Detroit Bar’s stage the next? Quote in the act: “Not the HAIR!”

2] Anaheim
Despite being home to the highest number of registered sex offenders in Orange County (262, to be exact), Anaheim ranks as sexiest city No. 2. The presence of the Angels and Ducks alone gives us a fair amount of beefy brawn to fawn over, but the real magic happens once a year, when the “happiest place on Earth” plays host to the fabulously unofficial Disneyland Gay Days. For three days, thousands of LGBTs and their allies don the color red and come out (so to speak) to show their support for hot gender-bending girl-on-girl, man-on-man, and girl-who-used-to-be-a-man-on-man action! And if that doesn’t spin your cup of tea, Mickey and Minnie will be there, too. Or Mickey and Donald. But if Pluto’s your game, count us out. Quote in the act: “Faster, baby! Spin me faster!”

3] Laguna Beach
Like more than a handful of its current residents, Laguna Beach has had a little work done over the years. Once a charming stomping ground for roustabout artists and the peace-loving, ganja-smoking members of the Brotherhood of Eternal Love (à la Timothy Leary), this seaside city has undergone a demographic face-lift. These days, you’re more likely to catch a bling-slinging CEO strolling down South Coast Highway with a hand up his trophy wife’s skirt than naked hippies commingling on the sand, but this doesn’t mean the city itself is any less sexy. Laguna Beach is the site of some of the most pristine beaches in California. You’ve got to admit there’s something about secluded, craggy Moss Cove that makes you want to stop, drop and do the deed right there on the shore (even if it means getting sand in your junk). Quote in the act: “Are you done yet? I have to put another quarter in the parking meter.”

4] Garden Grove
More popularly known as the home, sweet homestead of silver-haired Steve Martin (me-ow!), Crystal Cathedral and the annual Strawberry Festival, Garden Grove is (to the untrained eye) as straight-laced as a Catholic schoolgirl on Sunday. But those of us in the know recognize that this particular schoolgirl hems her skirt 3 inches above protocol and chain-smokes in the bathroom between classes. Exhibit A: the Vietnamese bikini cafés, where the drinks are hot and the service is steaming. Despite their infamous reputation, these establishments serve only non-alcoholic beverages. The bright side is that your coffee is brought to you by a buxom, bikini-clad bombshell teetering on 6-inch stilettos. Finally! A family-friendly place where you can enjoy a nice game of checkers and ogle the waitresses without feeling like a complete creep. Quote in the act: “Come on, baby, you can tell me if they’re real. . . . Hey, I meant your eyelashes!

5] Long Beach
The Margot Tenenbaum of the Orange County family, our adopted and footloose darling, this city has all the glamour of urban LA, but with less sleaze (or perhaps the massive amounts of cheap booze flowing through the city cause us to not notice). There’s plenty of nightlife downtown, but nothing represents the tastefully understated sex appeal emanating from this town quite as well as Alex’s Bar. Located off the beaten path of the hip Fourth Street cafés and vintage boutiques, this discreet watering hole’s entrance through a back door (just the way we like it!) leads into a dim red room haunted by hanging portraits and gorgeous locals. Alex’s ruddy walls and edgy ambiance create the perfect atmosphere for its alter ego as a vampire bar in HBO’s True Blood series. Fang-bangers still prowl the alleys surrounding this rock & roll venue (a great spot for private make-out sessions), so if you want to score big-time, just say you’re on Team Eric. Quote in the act: “Bite me! No, really, bite me!

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