By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Dear Mexican: Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it’s more efficient), and every time someone requests to stop, you hear, “Stop requested,” then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I’m tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American citizen ’cause I don’t “meet the qualifications.” Qualifications? I have a degree! My English is damn-near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!
Sick of All of You
Dear Gabacho: Between your point in insisting you don’t ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action and your fucked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers), I’ll peg you as a working-class gabacho who’d rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.
Dear Mexican: Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don’t your publishers know they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don’t have to do any heavy lifting. There’s so much more I want to know about Mexican culture, such as “Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?” And “Why doesn’t Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?” And “Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?” If you’re really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions per week. Andale, for crying out loud!
The Blue Prince of Dallas
Dear Gabacho: I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don’t know if you’ve heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during 2009 and others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor of and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure editors don’t deport me for good.
It was a tough year for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It’s the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let’s begin the new year with good: the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don’t like the winner, you should’ve entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not into the air!
THE RESTAURANTE WINNER IS . . . No one in Orange County. Sorry, folks of my beloved patria, but your selections were no bueno. Don’t you read our food section?