By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
#OC15: Slutty Teabagger
FREEEEEDOM! It’s what all Jesus-fearing, crimson-blooded Americans—as in the former Confederate States of America, plus Orange County—crave. And nothing says FREEEEEDOM! like the garb of our Revolutionary forefathers. Why so boiled up like that steaming kettle whose tea bag you swiped? Some might say it’s the deficit, and some might say it’s the taxes, but those have been high for a while now. The simple fact is you’ve always been a radical, but 2009’s the first year you’ve felt like the big, dark, black, oppressive, really-really-black jackboot of Big Government was Treading On You. So this Halloween, show your patriotism—and a little leg! Worked for Sarah Palin! Oh, wait . . . Price: Two tea bags.
#OC16: Slutty Lawyer
This one is always topical. This scary season, thank Costa Mesa’s Jim Toledano for giving you the opportunity to wear what looks like your natty Sunday best for trick-or-treating. Police arrested the former chairman of the Orange County Democratic Party and a lawyer this year on extortion charges involving a gay Corona del Mar trainer and a wealthy couple who claim they were blackmailed over sex. The only problem: Because of Joe Cavallo’s particularly shameless performance defending the Haidl Gang Rapists, we’re out of stock of this costume, but we still sell the mandatory accessory: three half-hour lessons in arrogance and a manual for stupidity. Price: A gym bag full of cash.
#OC17-18: Slutty Sports Power Couple
The family that prays together stays together, even if one is an admitted adulterer and the other an infamous terrorizer of underlings. Be like Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, and strike fear in the heart of every slow-footed b-baller, two-timing blonde and underachieving teammate. (Comes with Lakers jersey and tacky tattoo; you provide the permanent scowl.) The ladies can also try to match Vanessa Laine Bryant’s infamous temper, accessorized with our million-dollar ring, Forever 21 knock-offs and bag of dog shit (yes, based on that time Vanessa, as spelled out in a civil lawsuit filed in Orange County Superior Court, forced Maria Jimenez to dig through a bag of puppy poop for a price tag). Price: One bottle of hand sanitizer.
#OC19-20: Slutty Know-Nothings
The match made in hell: Jeff Schwilk and Barbara Coe. The latter (costume comes with faded baseball cap, American-flag jacket, white-haired mop-top wig, cigarette glued to lip, laptop) is the godmother of the modern-day Know-Nothing movement. The former (costume includes faded baseball cap, bullhorn, bikini briefs, laptop) is an Orange County native who heads the San Diego Minuteman (SDMM) and was the subject of a successful defamation lawsuit that claimed Schwilk allowed other SDMM members to post pictures of an pro-amnesty activist that referred to her as a “Korean anorexic ACLU slut” and claimed she enjoyed “brown schlong.” Schwilk has learned well from Coe, who in the past year alone on her California Coalition for Immigration Reform e-mail list has claimed President Barack Obama is “worse, much worse” than Hitler, wished the swine flu on him, cast doubts about his Hawaii birth AND told members cell phones pop corn kernels. Want to scare your Mexican neighbors? These costumes will do a better job than la migra! Price: A hill of frijoles!
#OC21: Slutty Ex-Sheriff
Want to trick-or-treat as something really frightening? Dress in our new Mike Carona prison costume! Inspired by our dirty ex-sheriff-turned-convicted felon, the outfit consists of sleek, form-fitting, orange, prison jump suit that is stamped—for added authenticity—with Carona’s Federal Bureau of Prisons-issued inmate number (45335-112). To complete the look, hold a Bible in one hand and a Kleenex in the other while weeping uncontrollably as you ask for candy. In exchange for the goodies you receive, hand out badges and concealed-weapon permits—but tell people to watch out for your friend in the Slutty Sheriff costume. She’ll take those away in a heartbeat! Price: One alleged ride on a fancy-ass boat.
#OC22: Slutty Real-Estate Mogul
After spending decades seeding the land with same-looking tract homes, what does the successful developer do? If you’re looking to be Don Bren, screw your children over in family court! Bren’s secrecy over his true worth is legendary—legendary enough that his lawyers pop up in court every couple of years to argue he’s not like everyone else and thus deserves his true worth to be a secret as well-kept as the real reason Orange County Register columnist Frank Mickadeit decided to enter law school! Costume includes a nondisclosure form, spray tan and a child-support stub. Condoms not included, but you get your choice of undevelopable land perfect for a tax-break donation, or your name on the UC Irvine building of your choice! Price: Privatized gain, socialized loss.
#OC23: Slutty DA
Government employees don’t have to be bland, and neither does your Halloween. We know this thanks to Susan Kang Schroeder, the Hummer/Porsche/Ferrari-driving spokeswoman for District Attorney Tony Rackauckas. Schroeder long ago inspired our No. 1-selling R-rated costume. We call it the “Walk Loudly and Carry a Big Stick.” The 6-inch-heeled, knee-length, black boots with steel bottoms ensure no one will miss your arrival in the awe-inspiring, red-rubber dominatrix getup. The stick you’ll carry is our 12-inch Rackauckas blow-up doll that, when squeezed, shouts, “Indict him!” as well as “Indict her!” and “Whatever Susan says!” (Bonus tip: Dress up a partner as her husband. Just look in any Star Wars costume catalog—and we ain’t talkin’ about Yoda.) Price: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
Photos & styling by Star Foreman • Makeup & hair by Autumn Sanders
Models: Ginger Pullman, Chad Coe, Lacey Anzelc
Sheriff, Birther and Teabagger costumes provided by
Beverly Hills Hosiery, 801 S. Los Angeles St., Los Angeles
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