By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
#OC07-08: Slutty Birthers
Patriot ladies: Bleach your hair, brush your eyelashes and put on our “Is It Safe?” white dentist’s coat! Patriot men: Strap on those suspenders and pick up our special, amended Ten Commandments, sans the whole thou-shalt-not-kill thing! Anyone who knows the spookiest thing around is the Kenyan Fraud Muslim Indonesian Maybe Canadian Arrogant Jerk Usurper In the White House knows that Orange County’s own Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, and the Reverend Wiley Drake are two of the most pivotal freedom fighters in the movement to get the Big Obummer thrown in jail—or at least deported. Whether in an alluring Moldovan trill or a relatable preacher’s drawl, spend this Halloween treating your friends to speeches about the big trick played on America: Barry Soetoro, a.k.a. Barack Hussein Obama, isn’t eligible to be president, even if all the evidence says he is. After all, just look at him! Price: $20,000 in court sanctions.
#OC09: Slutty Multimom
An unprecedented partnership between house of snob Blasé Couture and Omar the Tent Maker has resulted in this one-size-fits-all maternity costume aimed at the trick-or-treater itching to portray a single baby-maker who abuses sanity, decorum, family medicine, government resources and the laws of gravity to get shot up with fertility drugs to produce giant litters and reality-television ratings. But you don’t have to be La Habra’s Nadya Suleman to get the most out of this 95 percent rayon/110 percent spandex garment—although it wouldn’t hurt to be an equally needy publicity hound. That’s because when you push on the belly, plastic baby dolls plop onto the floor while a crane arm holding a camcorder pops out of the back, snakes over the top of your enormous melon and focuses the world’s attention where it always belongs: on you, big momma! Price: A reality-show contract? Please? Anyone?
#OC10: Slutty Ketchup Thief
Available to the public for the first time courtesy of our friends at the Partnership, this mysteriously hip costume isn’t just for Halloween—it’s for every day of the year! Choose between two pieces of headgear: a black beanie with plastic sunglasses, or an Italian bike-racing cap with eyeglasses that have clip-on shades you can flip up and down, depending on your mood. Rounding out the costume is a Johnny Cash At Folsom Prison T-shirt and a pair of raggedy jeans tapered at the cuff for better pedaling action. (Ten-speed bicycle not included.) But when people open the door for you on Halloween, please, please don’t walk into their houses and try to “recycle” their used bottles of ketchup, okay? Just take our word for it. Price: Five rolls of Kodak film and a Smokecraft sausage.
#OC11: Slutty Sheriff
Sheriff Sandra Hutchens may look adorable and buttoned-up in her institutional olive-green uniform and cap, but that lethal, automatic bulge on her hip doesn’t necessarily mean she’s happy to see you. Our far-less-demure sheriff’s costume comes with supplemental items such as a BlackBerry (to send gossip to fellow cops), an index card with a Ronald Reagan quote (to remind you of your political loyalties) and a pen that conceals a camera (for those moments when you want to secretly videotape the folks giving you candy). You never know, some of them could be ripe for deportation. Price: Whatever political capital you can spare.
#OC12: Slutty Priest
A perennial favorite at Diocese of Orange parties! This year, the pedo-padre to emulate is Luis Eduardo Ramirez, caught trying to seduce a teenage boy in an Anaheim no-tell motel; he served six months before violating his parole and is currently serving three more. Comes with boy underneath the cassock, margarita mix and a torn-up copy of the Diocese of Orange’s Covenant With the Faithful. Sorry, no get-out-of-jail free card as in years past, alas, but you’ll still have plenty of apologists! Price: The trust of millions.
#OC13: Slutty Informant
Amuse and delight your friends with this hilarious con-artist get-up, while at the same time getting paid by the FBI to incite Muslim Americans to commit acts of terror! Each costume includes Craig Monteilh-inspired white skullcap to cover your hairless head and an oversized tunic to disguise your bulging musculature and the wire taped to your chest. Special bonus items: extensive rap sheet complete with con-artist convictions, plastic Junior G-man badge, and FBI-approved CliffsNote copies of both The Koran for Dummies and The Idiot’s Guide to Counterterrorism. Price: How low can you go?
#OC14: Slutty Ex-Cop
Ruin the Halloween soiree of your choice with this fun party-crasher costume courtesy of the Garden Grove Police Department, which doesn’t need it anymore, since the officer who used to wear it, Oomar Patel, doesn’t work there anymore. This authentic, standard-issue patrolmen’s uniform comes in one size only (small, but with a big ego) and is complemented by a half-used can of pepper spray. When you press the button, a prerecorded message blurts out, “Stop, or I’ll make an ass of myself!” Also included is a biodegradable birthday-cake mask—some assembly required before you plant your face in it. Price: Six-figure brutality settlement (don’t worry—it’s paid for by city taxpayers).