By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
Treat Or . . . Trick!
Can’t find a costume slutty enough? Let us dress you up as OC’s Scariest People!
If you’re like us, you’ve been looking through the seemingly endless variety of skimpy, tight, campy Halloween costumes offered in catalogs and superstores, and nothing has really jumped out at you. You’re saying to yourself, “Why can’t I find something to wear this spooky season that’s cut down to my you-know-where, hemmed up to my other you-know-where, and yet makes a trenchant, hilariously ironic satirical statement about a controversial local figure ripped from today’s headlines?”
Well, look no further. Our annual OC’s Scariest People issue is just as chock-full of vilified villains as ever—only this time, they’re showing just a little bit more skin. So browse through our catalog of whorish horrors. You’re sure to find a costume you’ll love of someone you hate.
#OC01: Slutty Real Housewife
A plunging neckline, tummy-tightening waist section and ass-raising bottom turn this gold-digger party dress into the perfect lure for the eye of any shuffling, legally blind, dentures-wearing divorcee/widower/married bazillionaire you’re trying to catch at the Balboa Bay Club Halloween Party. Modeled after The Real Housewives of Orange County’s Gretchen Rossi, the costume also features a fabric hook that can be clamped onto a bathroom door to prevent the exit of a friend’s 20-year-old son/sugar daddy’s grandson/landscaper you’re trying to secretly boink on the side. Price: Half. At least.
#OC02: Slutty Assemblyman
We found a crate of Boss Hogg costumes lying around and thought they’d never return to style. But then we got to know OC’s own ex-state Assemblyman Mike Duvall—really got to know him. Put on this all-white, pre-soiled cotton suit; slick back your hair; plunge a fat cigar into your mouth; and smile while cockily barking bigoted statements. Of course, the Duvall costume wouldn’t be complete without the final touch: graphically informing the candy givers how you like to spank female lobbyists and make them dripping-wet. (All into the enclosed microphone, of course.) Price: $45 (less than a Harbor Boulevard blowjob!).
#OC03: Slutty Lobbyist
Our Sacramento-lobbyist costume isn’t just about tight-fitting skirts, see-through blouses, high heels and pliable ethical standards—although they are essential. You can’t complete your mission if you don’t carry a clipboard to track the legislative favors you’re seeking, a key to a Hyatt Hotel room and our exclusive, Dana Rohrabacher-endorsed edition of How to Get Your Way With Fat, Ugly, Corrupt Republican Politicians Without Really Trying. Price: One quid per pro quo.
#OC04: Slutty Congresswoman
Be an OC GOP-er’s wet-dream-of-a-nightmare by dressing as a triple threat: an elected Latina Democrat! Set tongues wagging by handing out Christmas-in-October cards, starring you and your exasperated-looking cat. To get the full effect, be sure to constantly boast about how light your skin is. No experience in politics? No problem—Loretta Sanchez didn’t have any, either! Price: $2,400 maximum individual donation.
#OC05: Slutty White Supremacist
Do you have a shaved head? Check. Tattoos of SS lightning bolts, swastikas and other Nazi symbols? Check. The inability to properly speak any language? Check. Are you mentally blocked from telling right from wrong? Check. Do you snarl at everyone and everything, even a McDonald’s drive-through order box? Check. Thrive on racial superiority but haven’t read a book since the second grade? Check. Well, then you already are convicted killer Billy Joe Johnson or one of his closest pals. You won’t be needing our costume. Price: The business card of a good bail bondsman.
#OC06: Slutty Football Player
Put on this fabulous, sexy-abs-exposing half-jersey from the Santa Ana City College Dons football team to become real-life horror characters. Michael Alexander Clemmons pleaded guilty to multiple felony counts in the rape and sexual penetration by foreign object of an intoxicated 18-year-old woman in a Tustin motel in July 2008. Luster Mitchell Lewis, a fellow Don, is answering to the same charges. With a third man, John Paul Foster II of Seaside, who has been found guilty, they were identified thanks to a video they shot of the sick crime. If you reverse the shirt, it becomes the half-jersey of the Corona del Mar High School Sea Kings football team, which the same season included three varsity players who posted a video on a fourth boy’s page on the public school’s Facebook account describing how and where they would rape a then-16-year-old girl before disclosing the manner in which they would shoot her to death. Her offense to them: having expressed disappointment that the school drama department’s production of the musical Rent had been canceled. The videotaped threats forced her to change her daily routine, switch classes and take other precautions to avoid contact with those who’d threatened to rape and kill her. The Sea Kings players escaped discipline from the school, Newport Beach Police and the Orange County district attorney’s office, and about a month after the video was posted, they received honors for their athletic prowess. Now that’s scary! Price: Any shred of dignity you might find lying around.
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