[Hey, You!] Asswipes

Matt Bors

I was the six-months-pregnant lady looking forward to walking the hills in Fairview Park. You were the likely adolescent hooligans who had littered its trees, slopes and grass with a case of double-ply Charmin the night before. After parking my car, I grabbed some doggie bags and began to clean up your fun night of ignorant arrogance. At the risk of sounding like an old person, you really don’t realize how lucky we are to have open spaces such as Fairview Park still at our disposal, do you? I bet you’d be stoked if the whole park was razed and a developer dropped a gigantic shopping center in its place, complete with a security company to boot you out after 10 p.m. and a janitorial crew to pick up your mess. Not only did you besmirch a public resource and break the law, but you also didn’t even do it in a green-minded fashion. Don’t you know that the thin, cheap toilet paper sticks better to the morning dew? I can only hope that the kid in my belly grows up to be smarter about his delinquent behavior and takes his teenage angst out on something other than nature—like, say, his least favorite teacher’s private residence.

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