[Hey, You!] Poolside Mammaries

Matt Bors

You were the tits-on-a-stick at the community pool this weekend who accosted my wife, her sisters and our children while they played a game in the water. Your request that they quiet down so that you could enjoy your book made you look super-uptight and, frankly, a little shallow. Sure, they were being loud, but that’s what kids do in the pool. They weren’t being disrespectful in any way or doing anything other than laughing and having a great time. Just for fun, though, I’m going to play your game for a minute. My wife has bigger tits than you. She also has a big ass because the two usually go together. So while you’re parading around with those gigantic silicone orbs tucked into that over-the-shoulder boulder-holder you call a swim top, I have to worry about my 7-year-old girl growing up thinking that’s an ideal body image. Hopefully, this will teach my daughter that perfection has an ugly side.

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