[Hey, You!] It Takes a Big Ass to Know One

You were the lovely gentleman in the silver car on Harbor Boulevard who decided to yell at me while hanging outside your passenger window that my “fat ass was going to break that bike seat” as I was minding my own business on a relaxing ride. I’m very glad that such an obviously intellectual individual felt the need to grace me with his incredibly intelligent observation. I understand that it must be terribly difficult to be hung like a Tic Tac and be utterly unable to please a man, much less a woman, with such a pathetic excuse for an instrument. However, I regret to inform you that my ass may be voluptuous, but it is in no way fat. Excuse me for being of Latin descent and thus curvy, and perhaps I’ll consider excusing you for being an ignorant swine. Next time you contemplate putting down any individual without reason, consider looking in the mirror first at the ludicrous and despicable excuse for a human being you are and see you have no room to do so. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evenings smoking pot in your mother’s basement. I’m sure they won’t cease to be anything but eventful. And also feel free to burn in hell. Thanks again for the shout-out!

Matt Bors

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to “Hey, You!” c/o OC Weekly, 2975 Red Hill Ave., Ste. 150, Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or e-mail us at letters@ocweekly.com.

 
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