This goes out to “Papi.” On behalf of your neighbors, I am compelled to inform you that you have shattered the sanctity of our homes for the last time. I don’t suppose you have any clue why I know your nickname. Allow me to spell it out for you, jack-hole: I have a bird’s eye view of your back yard, and I’ve seen you smacking around your absolutely adorable puppy on a nightly basis. We also get an earful of you fornicating in the afternoon several times per week. The tranquility is often shattered by moaning, spanking and a woman screaming, “Ay, papi! Ay, papi!” This is your only notification that we expect you to clean up your act, or we will pursue action to have you removed from the complex without further notice.
P.S. Don’t be surprised if your dog goes missing; it deserves a better home.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to “Hey, You!” c/o OC Weekly, 2975 Red Hill Ave., Ste. 150, Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.