By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
With her new reality TV network, Nadya Suleman is ready to
Rocto Your World
Just when you thought La Habra’s own Nadya “Octomom” Suleman was out of the news for good . . .
On May 4, Los Angeles attorney Gloria Allred filed suit against Suleman, alleging that the multimom had signed a deal for a reality-TV show. Allred is seeking to have a guardian appointed for Suleman’s octo-brood to manage the money she says Suleman will make by exploiting her clan for TV.
Asked on-camera by a RadarOnline.com reporter whether she had entered into plans for reality programming involving her children, Suleman laughed and gave one of her signature, pink-lipped mommy pouts: “As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t entered into anything,” she said, smiling. “I haven’t signed anything. I haven’t signed anything at all.” Moments earlier, she’d railed against Allred and the lawsuit in the same clip: “People are opportunists; they just want to be in the spotlight.”
Suleman’s attorney Jeff Czech has acknowledged that he and Suleman have in fact been in talks with production companies, but he told the AP last week that no contracts have been signed “and no laws broken.” Czech noted that talks have included contracts for documentaries, reality programming and children’s programming.
Little did anyone know that the real plan was for all of the above.
Late last week, the Weekly received a thick ream of documents and publicity materials from a source who once worked for Suleman, detailing bold plans for a series of reality-TV shows involving Suleman, her children and even her fertility doctor. The source, who asked to remain anonymous, says she’s worried that if Allred’s lawsuit fails, the children will be subjected to a life of scrutiny and abuse under the camera’s eye.
Materials turned over to the Weekly—at a late-night meeting behind a stack of Graco SnugRide boxes near the loading dock of the Babies R Us at the Westminster Mall—include pilot logos, publicity stills and transcripts. They reveal that not only have reality-TV deals been sealed, but also that Suleman, who filed two applications to trademark the word “Octomom” in mid-April (one for use on baby products and clothing, and the other to use in connection with reality-TV programming), has green-lighted the creation of a series of reality shows that will air on her own network, tentatively called “OctoGyn.”
While the corporate backers of the venture remain unknown, according to some heavily redacted internal memos we obtained, eight pilots are scheduled to air this fall on the new network, which is being designed as “a cross between the Wedding Channel, Oh! and Animal Planet, only with babies instead of meerkats.” According to the materials, the eventual goal is for the network to air a whopping 14 shows—a request apparently made by Suleman personally, so that the project can reflect “the many, many, many, many pieces of me.” Suleman declined repeated requests for comment from the Weekly regarding the planned network and TV shows.
The materials obtained by the Weekly detail a range of shows that mirror some of reality TV’s biggest hits, but with an Octo twist. The summaries and snippets of transcripts included are apparently from the first eight pilots of the season, which are in production or soon will be, according to the source.
* * *
OCTOGYN NETWORK, “The Mother of All Reality Channels”
The Biggest Gainer
“When the stakes are high, a breast can only give so much milk.”
No mortal woman could physically feed all the mouths in the Suleman house, but Nadya’s mammaries—pinched by implants inserted at age 18—emit only a paltry trickle. And so, it’s survival of the fittest for the babies, who must compete for a limited supply of nutrients to reach a healthy weight by the time they are 6 months old. Watch as the Octobabies fight over their daily milk and see who gets left behind. Will baby No. 4 go hungry? Why is baby No. 7 so chubby? Does Nadya love baby No. 8 more than the rest? A mother’s love—and her milk—can only go so far. After months of vying for her attention, babies begin to go missing, clean diapers are replaced with not-so-clean diapers, and Nadya’s bras begin to disappear, only to be discovered buried in the back yard. . . . Are her nurses playing dirty tricks on her? Or are the “other” kids revolting?
America’s Top Mom
“It’s not purging—it’s morning sickness!”
Beautiful, young and emboldened by her baby brood, Nadya Suleman has come clean: She wants to be a model and will stop at nothing to make her dream come true. Follow Suleman as she enlists the aid of Hollywood fashionistas Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton (don’t miss the Very Special Episode about the whole sex-tape thing) and Project Runway designer Christian Siriano for the ultimate Mommy Makeover. What will Nadya do when Playboy comes knocking with an enticing centerfold offer? Will she be the first Octomom featured in the magazine?
[From the pilot transcript]
NADYA SULEMAN: “I think women, and especially busy moms like me, need role models. I can’t hide from the fact that I am one. . . . I’ve always been told that I’m beautiful and that I should model. Since I probably can’t have any more kids, I think it’s finally time to focus on me. I want to show the world that busy moms like me can be sexy and fun and really, really, really good on the runway, too.”
Love Me Do
“This is my last shot: July 24 is right around the corner, and Debbie’s totally cool with it.”
Everyone deserves to be loved, and Nadya Suleman—young, very busy, lonely—is no different. Suleman is on the hunt for Mr. Right. But is there a guy out there who will love her and all her children? Watch as a succession of gentleman callers try their best to woo Suleman—and fulfill their own Octo-love fantasies at the same time. Find out what happens when Bachelor No. 2 mistakes Suleman’s nanny for her. Guest appearances by bachelors past, who give Nadya a tip or two on how to land—and keep—her new Baby Stepdaddy. OC viewers should keep an eye out for guest suitors in the Very Special Episodes codenamed “Rocctodad,” “Rackaucktodad” and, of course, “Lompoctodad.”
[from the “Lompoctodad” episode]
UNIDENTIFIED BALD DUDE: “I thought it would be cool, you know. I mean, I’ve had some phenomenal pussy, but this would be, like, totally fucking freaky. Octopussy! [Chortles] It was my idea, the video camera. I thought she’d dig it; she seems kinky like that. I thought we could act out the implantation thing, you know. I could be her sperm doc and she my big, bad, fertile mama. Anyway, this is my last shot: July 24 is right around the corner, and Debbie’s totally cool with it. And it wouldn’t be the first time I got recorded screwing somebody—or screwing somebody over . . .”
“Nadya is my masterpiece.”
Go inside the mind of baby-making machine Dr. Michael Kamrava, the man credited with bringing Nadya’s brood to life. Follow him as he sets out to reach a new world record by implanting embryos that will lead to the largest recorded birth in the history of mankind. Is the elusive and secretive Dr. Kamrava a genius or madman? Also, meet his estranged wife, mystified children and the women who love him, both as surrogate father and giver of (multiple) lives.
[from pilot transcript]
DR. MICHAEL KAMRAVA: “A woman’s vagina is a miraculous and delicate fruit—so rich and full of possibilities. I approach all my patients—and their uteruses—with this thought in mind. A woman is designed to birth. . . . If a woman comes to me and says, ‘Dr. K, I want to be like a cat. I want to carry my kittens and lick them to life after they are born,’ who am I to judge? . . . Nadya is my masterpiece, my living Ishtar, our modern-day Demeter. If I had to do it all over again, I would.”
I’m an Octomom Kid
She’s famous for the latest eight, but Nadya had already hatched a nest of six before she went on to become Octomom. What became of the older children once Mommy entered the media spotlight? Watch as the crew from MTV’s True Life enters the Suleman home and follows around a different “extra kid” each week, showing the tough reality of growing up when you’ve been forgotten about. Watch how they develop a plot to take over the household and terrorize the nannies while Octomom runs off to photo shoots, TV appearances and dates. Don’t miss the Very Special Episode in which child No. 3 ditches his Pepsi addiction after he first encounters meth at the playground.
“I’ll do totally good business and make it impossible for them to fire me!”
Sure, she may have the “Octomom” name trademarked and this bitchen new TV network, but does Nadya have the business sense to turn her unique situation into a profitable, worldwide lifestyle brand? Does she have the chops in the kitchen to feed the little ones? To bone up on her real-world skills, OctoGyn will bring in the biggest names in success to teach Nadya—and the viewer—valuable life lessons each week. Donald Trump, Martha Stewart, Clinton Kelly, Suze Orman, Rachael Ray, Paris Hilton, all make appearances in the first season. And don’t miss a Very Special Episode with John Yoo, Chapman University’s torture-memo co-author-in-residence, who teaches Nadya how to discipline her little domestic terrorists!
[from pilot transcript]
DONALD TRUMP: “Nadya, Nadya, Nadya, darling, what are you doing? Is this the first time you’ve ever balanced a checkbook? Has your mother really been handling you and your money all these years? How do you expect to feed these kids on your own? I’m not going to be around forever, you know. My dear, it’s time to grow up.”
“Get me outta here!”
Every family has its own quirks, rules and ritual battles to see who goes unfed each night. But no matter how well you know your own family, there’s a lot to be learned from being forced to see things differently. Each week, one of the Suleman 14 will switch places with another kid—who could be anywhere in the world—to see what life is like when you’ve got a different mommy, a different sibling count and fewer cameras outside (and inside) your house. The kid who’s imported into the Suleman household gets to experience life with America’s favorite family. A few celebrity families even get in on the swapping: In one Very Special Episode, Angelina Jolie switches her entire stable with Nadya’s!
[from the “Mooseburger” episode]
ELIJAH MAKAI SOLOMON SULEMAN, AGE 7: “Until they sent me to Alaska, I never realized that children could have names that didn’t come from the Old Testament. When I have kids, I’m gonna give them cool names, like ‘Willow’ and ‘Trig’!”
The Inseminating Race
“He can run, but he can’t hide.”
An ever-growing team of out-of-work investigative journalists is given the assignment of a lifetime: Find the Suleman baby daddy whose genes are swimming through all 14 kids in the Octohousehold. A mix of weekly clues and innovative investigative techniques lead the teams around the world in their quest to track down the prolific sperm donor. Is he giving scuba lessons in Trinidad? Battling swine flu in Mexico? Modeling in Milan? Find out where the elusive papa is hiding out—and what happens when he’s found. The team of journalists that finds him will win the salary and benefits from their former jobs for the rest of their lives.