[From the pilot transcript]

NADYA SULEMAN: “I think women, and especially busy moms like me, need role models. I can’t hide from the fact that I am one. . . . I’ve always been told that I’m beautiful and that I should model. Since I probably can’t have any more kids, I think it’s finally time to focus on me. I want to show the world that busy moms like me can be sexy and fun and really, really, really good on the runway, too.”

*

Love Me Do
“This is my last shot: July 24 is right around the corner, and Debbie’s totally cool with it.”

Everyone deserves to be loved, and Nadya Suleman—young, very busy, lonely—is no different. Suleman is on the hunt for Mr. Right. But is there a guy out there who will love her and all her children? Watch as a succession of gentleman callers try their best to woo Suleman—and fulfill their own Octo-love fantasies at the same time. Find out what happens when Bachelor No. 2 mistakes Suleman’s nanny for her. Guest appearances by bachelors past, who give Nadya a tip or two on how to land—and keep—her new Baby Stepdaddy. OC viewers should keep an eye out for guest suitors in the Very Special Episodes codenamed “Rocctodad,” “Rackaucktodad” and, of course, “Lompoctodad.”

[from the “Lompoctodad” episode]

UNIDENTIFIED BALD DUDE: “I thought it would be cool, you know. I mean, I’ve had some phenomenal pussy, but this would be, like, totally fucking freaky. Octopussy! [Chortles] It was my idea, the video camera. I thought she’d dig it; she seems kinky like that. I thought we could act out the implantation thing, you know. I could be her sperm doc and she my big, bad, fertile mama. Anyway, this is my last shot: July 24 is right around the corner, and Debbie’s totally cool with it. And it wouldn’t be the first time I got recorded screwing somebody—or screwing somebody over . . .”

*

Dr. Fill
“Nadya is my masterpiece.”

Go inside the mind of baby-making machine Dr. Michael Kamrava, the man credited with bringing Nadya’s brood to life. Follow him as he sets out to reach a new world record by implanting embryos that will lead to the largest recorded birth in the history of mankind. Is the elusive and secretive Dr. Kamrava a genius or madman? Also, meet his estranged wife, mystified children and the women who love him, both as surrogate father and giver of (multiple) lives.

[from pilot transcript]

DR. MICHAEL KAMRAVA: “A woman’s vagina is a miraculous and delicate fruit—so rich and full of possibilities. I approach all my patients—and their uteruses—with this thought in mind. A woman is designed to birth. . . . If a woman comes to me and says, ‘Dr. K, I want to be like a cat. I want to carry my kittens and lick them to life after they are born,’ who am I to judge? . . . Nadya is my masterpiece, my living Ishtar, our modern-day Demeter. If I had to do it all over again, I would.”

*

True Life
I’m an Octomom Kid

She’s famous for the latest eight, but Nadya had already hatched a nest of six before she went on to become Octomom. What became of the older children once Mommy entered the media spotlight? Watch as the crew from MTV’s True Life enters the Suleman home and follows around a different “extra kid” each week, showing the tough reality of growing up when you’ve been forgotten about. Watch how they develop a plot to take over the household and terrorize the nannies while Octomom runs off to photo shoots, TV appearances and dates. Don’t miss the Very Special Episode in which child No. 3 ditches his Pepsi addiction after he first encounters meth at the playground.

*

The OctoPrentice
“I’ll do totally good business and make it impossible for them to fire me!”

Sure, she may have the “Octomom” name trademarked and this bitchen new TV network, but does Nadya have the business sense to turn her unique situation into a profitable, worldwide lifestyle brand? Does she have the chops in the kitchen to feed the little ones? To bone up on her real-world skills, OctoGyn will bring in the biggest names in success to teach Nadya—and the viewer—valuable life lessons each week. Donald Trump, Martha Stewart, Clinton Kelly, Suze Orman, Rachael Ray, Paris Hilton, all make appearances in the first season. And don’t miss a Very Special Episode with John Yoo, Chapman University’s torture-memo co-author-in-residence, who teaches Nadya how to discipline her little domestic terrorists!

[from pilot transcript]

DONALD TRUMP: “Nadya, Nadya, Nadya, darling, what are you doing? Is this the first time you’ve ever balanced a checkbook? Has your mother really been handling you and your money all these years? How do you expect to feed these kids on your own? I’m not going to be around forever, you know. My dear, it’s time to grow up.”

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