By Daniel Kohn
By Imade Nibokun
By Arrissia Owen
By Lilledeshan Bose
By Sarah Bennett
By Adam Lovinus
By Jena Ardell
By Nate Jackson
That’s Not Sexy, That’s Gross!
With apologies to Big Black, here are seven songs about fucking that are unlikely to inspire any actual fucking
Just because a song is about sex doesn’t make it sexy. For every artfully naughty lyric like “You can pin and mount me like a butterfly” (The Smiths, “Reel Around the Fountain”), there are multitudes of “I’m ’bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition” (R. Kelly, “Ignition”).
Sure, plenty of tunes have inspired couples—or whatever combination of participants deemed appropriate—to break out the nasty mat over the years, but not everyone can be Marvin Gaye. There are plenty of sex songs out there that are just plain icky.
“Reno,” Bruce Springsteen
The image of Bruce Springsteen having anal sex with a prostitute has to rank pretty high in the, er, annals of unpleasantness. That’s exactly what’s discussed in the first stanza of this track (“250 up the ass”), off of 2005’s otherwise excellent Devils & Dust. “She unbuckled my belt, pulled back her hair, and sat in front of me on the bed,” he continues. And then I barfed.
Bonus: Though it was used to represent the syrupy-sweet love story of Jerry Maguire, I always thought the Boss’ “Secret Garden” was oddly dirty. “She’ll let you in her mouth if the words you say are right.” Not exactly typical rom-com fare.
“You Suck,” Consolidated featuring the Yeastie Girls
Ostensibly a paean to cunnilingus, this somehow got a good amount of radio play in the mid-’90s despite having words like “clit” and another c-word I don’t dare type lest someone in my family read this. In one of the most colorfully misguided attempts at feminism, the song depicts a female’s desire to have her male partner reciprocate oral sex, which is all well and good before lyrics like “You tell me it’s gross to suck my yeast infection.” Well, yeah.
“Liquid Dreams,” O-Town
There are plenty of songs about masturbation out there—“Touch Myself,” “She Bop,” “Dancing with Myself,” “Turning Japanese”—but few artists tackled the tricky subject of nocturnal emissions before Making the Band-produced O-Town bravely addressed the issue. If you thought onanistic ballads were goofy, these fellows don’t even want the orgasms they’re having. What’s most embarrassing, though, is some of the celebrities they mention as the cause of said incidents. Cindy Crawford? Madonna? The song came out in 2001, not 1991.
“Figured You Out,” Nickelback
Not content with simply being unctuous, Nickelback boldly traipse all the way into “blatantly misogynist” territory. “I like the white stains on your dress,” sings front man Chad Kroeger. Because, y’know, semen stains are such a turn-on for us dudes. The song came out in 2003, a little too late to try to propagate Monica Lewinsky-chic. Don’t worry, there are also demeaning blowjob allusions (“I like the way you still say please while you’re looking up at me”) and even drug references, just for funsies (“I love the powder on your nose”).
“I Stuck Her With My Wang,” Insane Clown Posse
You could stick (sorry, poor choice of language) many ICP songs in this slot, but you have to admire the unflinchingly literal approach taken in the song title. The song itself makes the members of Nickelback look like four douchey, Canadian Sir Walter Raleighs. After being “hit in the balls,” Shaggy 2 Dope “grabbed her by her neck . . . and blackened both her eyes.” Terrifying sex, abhorrent violence. All in just a few lines. I thought these guys were supposed to be funny?
If you listen to Tool lead singer and lyricist Maynard James Keenan, he’ll say this song isn’t really about fisting. It’s like, way deeper than that, man. But they were clearly still counting on people thinking it was indeed about that specific act; MTV refused to call it by its given name and called it “Track No. 1.” “Knuckle deep inside the borderline. This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to.” Hmm. Pass.
“H.W.C.,” Liz Phair
Much has been made over Liz Phair’s self-titled 2003 album, mainly about how much of a shameless sell-out it was and how she started dressing like Avril Lavigne despite being 36. And sure, it did spawn feather-light pop like “Why Can’t I,” which scored cheesy love songs on TV and in movies for years to come. But it also had the decidedly un-radio-friendly “H.W.C.,” which stands for “hot white come.” You can tell because she says “gimme your hot white come” about a dozen times on the track. Apparently, the titular semen has superpowers: “It’s the fountain of youth; it’s the meaning of life.” Her mother must have been so proud.