[Scariest People 2008] The Ghost of Nixonstein

Midwestern bumpkin lawyer Freddie Nixonstein (Hugh Hewitt) browbeats the liberal-media elite into running his columns, broadcasting his bombast and inferring upon him a Chapman University doctorate. With the aid of hunchbacked Episcopalian lie-brarian Igor (John Taylor), Dr. Nixonstein remakes the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace in Yorba Lindsylvania into the Richard Nixon Laboratory and Undeathplace. Together, the Doc and Igor plop the head of Tricky Dick (on loan from Futurama) onto the reanimated hulking corpse of Andre the Giant (in an uncredited cameo). But psychotic paranoia, impeachment votes and torch-bearing townspeople whipped into a frenzy by a reporter named Woodstein cause the mass of depraved humanity to break free from his Silly String shackles and go on a killing spree of innocents not witnessed since the secret bombing of Cambodia. The green skin, the flattop as flat as Whittier Boulevard and the bolts coming out of the neck are scary enough, but it’s the puffy jowls, the droopy eyebrows and the disturbing stubble that’ll have kids fleeing up the aisles. Disclaimer: 18.5 minutes of footage from the original production have mysteriously gone missing. Starring: Hugh Hewitt, John Taylor, Dick Nixon’s reanimated head
And introducing: Chad Farnan as the Li’l Christian Boy Thrown into the Well

Screenplay by: Dirty trickster turned judge wannabe Donald Segretti (based on the fantasy novels In the Arena and Orange County: An Economic Celebration)

Illustration by Tim Gabor

Produced, Directed and Fawned Over by: OC GOP chairman emeritus Thomas “Tio Tomas” Fuentes

 
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