By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Dear Mexican: I’m an illegal alien. Got here on a tourist visa and stayed for a job. Mygabacho employer knows about it and doesn’t give a crap. I don’t apologize about it, as ever since I can remember, the USA has meddled in other countries’ business like it owns the world. That, at least in my mind, gives me the right to be here and do a decent, reasonable man’s labor withmuchos huevos, labor that nobody else will do. Why won’tgabachos? A myriad reasons, from snobbism to plain old laziness to greed, none of which need to be discussed here. I don’t get in trouble, I work myculo off and get good money for it.
Now, to my point: I don’t give acaca about amnesty or, like they like to call it these days, “a pathway to legal citizenship.” With the current status quo, I get to be here and have a good job without having to quit being what I have always been, cherishing what I have always cherished or acting as I always have: as a Mexican. I’m the same exact person I have been, only a few hundred miles north and with better life chances. Under the current status quo, my employer gets great workmanship for a bargain price. Not saying it’s right (or wrong), but it works well for me. And again, I’m able to work without giving my previous life and beliefs up. Aside from the occasional toothless bigot with historical amnesia, my life here as a Mexican is pretty stable. I even have goodgabacho friends.
My question to you is this: What would you calculate to be the percentage of illegal Mexicans in the United States who actually want the whole enchilada of American goodness, with all its obligations, rights and privileges, when those privileges seem to be reduced nowadays to taking it in the ass from the American government in the name of some shady interest God-knows-where?
Dear Wab: Heavy lies the sombrero, amigo. I’m glad you’re enjoying life as an illegal, but few of your fellow undocumented do—how else to explain the 2006 amnesty marches, the fear of escalating migra raids and the healthy market for fraudulent documents establishing some type of legal residency? Your question does brush up against an interesting, related phenomenon: legal Mexicans who can become American citizens but don’t. A March 2007 Pew Hispanic Center report revealed that only 35 percent of eligible Mexicans had naturalized their status in 2005, an improvement from 20 percent in 1995; compare that with the 77, 71 and 69 percent rates for legal immigrants from the Middle East, Asia and Europe/Canada, respectively, for 2005. Researcher Jeffrey S. Passel wrote that wabs notched the abysmally low rate because “so many have low education levels, high poverty and other characteristics that are associated with low citizenship levels.” Wait a minute: I always hear anti-immigrant pendejos claim that LEGAL immigrants become grateful Americans, while ILLEGAL immigrants are unworthy of citizenship. Yet the Mexican example shows it’s the illegals agitating to improve their citizenship status, while the legals learn the American way and become complacent in their station. Know Nothings: Care to explain the difference?
A Mexican-born colleague of ours recently became incensed about a staff-party invitation that called for invitees to bring margaritas or margarita mix at our Mexican-themed potluck. He said Mexicans drink tequila instead of margaritas and that Mexicans don’t eat chips, either. He was also upset about the adjective “Mexican” used with a lowercase m. Were we accurate, or is he being oversensitive?
Clueless in California
Dear Gabacho: Tell the wab to shut up. So maybe Mexicans don’t consume margaritas and tortilla chips as much as, say, pan dulce and huitlacoche—who cares? Both gabacho faves have their roots with Mexican entrepreneurs who took authentically Mexican products to create an Americanized hybrid—he should celebrate these feats instead of whining like Loud Dobbs. I’ll only fault your staff for using the lowercase on “Mexican”—stylebooks require uppercase letters at the beginning of nationalities or movements even when adjectivized (Americanized, or Know Nothing-esque) and lowercase for races or peoples (white, black or pendejo).
Get all your Mexican fun at myspace.com/ocwab and youtube.com/askamexican. Or ask him a question at firstname.lastname@example.org!