[Savage Love] 'I Really, Really, Really Love You in a Nonperverse Sort of Way'

I'm a male sub looking for porn videos catering to a femme dom audience. I'm not talking about porn directed by men for submissive men, but porn targeting the appetites of the dominatrix. I'm NOT looking for softcore bondage pictures of men, or any other gay porn. I am looking for hetero femme dom porn videos aimed at women, with well-groomed male slaves. I'm not looking for yet another video of penis torture and/or anal rape, in which the female "dom" inevitably gives her slave a blowjob. Femme dom porn with vampire and werewolf themes would be perfect. Any suggestions?

Seeking Hot Erotica Beloved Of Superior Sex

Porn created for dominant women featuring well-groomed male slaves with vampire and werewolf themes—why, I've got some of that right here in my ass, SHEBOSS, just give me a sec and I'll pull it out for you.

Look, ladies and gentleman, there's a lot of porn out there. If you've made a good-faith effort to find porn that caters to your special needs without much luck, well, then odds are good that the porn you're looking for simply doesn't exist. And folks? The more ridiculous, obscure, or specific your requirements—mere femme dom porn won't do for SHEBOSS; he requires femme dom vampire/werewolf porn with no CBT, pegging or poorly groomed slaves—the harder time you're going to have finding porn. (Really, SHEBOSS, you can't fast-forward past those blowjobs?)

But don't despair, SHEBOSS, there is a little porn out there for you. As kinky blogger CatWoman notes, the best femme dom porn is produced by advertising agencies, not porn companies. Dig around the archives of CatWoman's blog (earthacatslair.blogspot.com), SHEBOSS, and you'll find plenty of examples of clean-cut boys serving dominant women in print and television ads created to sell shoes, clothes, cars, etc. to women—no pegging, no CBT, no blowjobs, no unkempt slave boys. No vampires or werewolves either, sadly, but a boy can't have everything.

Oh, and a note to gay dudes into visual depictions of well-groomed gay male slaves (and all those straight women and lesbians out there who like gay porn, too): Kink.com's new gay site—its first—goes live Aug. 1. BoundGods.com was created for Kink.com by Van Darkholme: porn star, bondage artist, author and occasional Savage Love guest expert. Check it out.

First, the formalities: I adore your column. I've been reading it since I was a single, fundamentalist, far-right wack job, and I read it now that I'm a married, far-left feminist with kids.

Second, the problem: I'm married (not the problem) to a wonderful, funny, hardworking, sensitive-yet-manly dude, and I'm the mother to two little ones (one just out of diapers, one newborn). Breaking the problem into two parts . . .

Part one: Oral sex—hate to give it, hate to receive it. I tried, bravely, but invariably ended up vomiting, which, as my husband points out, is not sexy unless you're into that sort of thing. Husband has done without oral for five years. Please don't hit me. He states this is not a problem.

Part two: Since going on medication for postpartum depression, I now have negative interest in sex. The very thought makes me want to run shrieking naked down the street, which isn't sexy, unless, again, you're into that sort of thing. I feel relentless guilt and have tried to work up a state of interest for my poor, deprived, wonderful husband, but I can't even achieve neutrality.

I don't know what to do. It took multiple medication adjustments to find something that left me able to function as a mother and a human being (minus, you know, the sex thing), so the thought of messing with my meds terrifies me. So should my husband dump the motherfucker (me!) already? (Please say no!) And please remember when you answer that I really, really, really love you in a nonperverse sort of way, and if you're harsh, I'll be crushed.

New England Girl Doesn't

Breaking my answer into three parts . . .

One: If going without oral isn't a problem for your husband, it's not a problem—not for you, NEGD, and certainly not for me.

Two: Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about the little blue pill. A study published last week showed that Viagra, which doesn't have much effect on women generally, improves sexual response in measurable ways for women taking antidepressants. The study just came out, blah blah blah, more research needs to be done, wocka wocka wocka, but it's certainly worth looking into.

Three: You have small children and postpartum depression, and you're on meds. Cut yourself some slack. New fathers have suffered worse indignities than a year or two of shitty or nonexistent sex while their wives adjust and recover. You should, however, encourage your husband to masturbate frequently, masturbate him yourself occasionally and, if you can go there, allow him to discreetly seek relief in one of New England's finer jack shacks until you wean yourself off the meds.

There's only one way to make amends for your canned-ham crack, Dan. To balance the scales, open up a contest finding the least sexy description of a penis. Fair's fair.