You're the person who stole the pumpkin off my front porch last night. It wasn't much of a pumpkin, not particularly impressive in size or shape, but something about it must have appealed to you, because you swiped it. I'm not a huge fan of Halloween—I outgrew candy and costumes decades ago—but the one thing I still enjoy is carving pumpkins. This year was going to be the first time that my young son could participate in the ritual. He doesn't know his pumpkin was stolen and I'm not going to tell him. I'm going to buy another pumpkin, and keep your heinous deed a secret. Happy Halloween to you, oh mysterious thief of the night. May your ghostly act come back to haunt you.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/o OC Weekly, 1666 N. Main St., Ste. 500, Santa Ana, CA 92701-7417, or e-mail us at email@example.com.