Hey, You!

What are you thinking, bringing your 3-year-old boy to The Bourne Ultimatum? Worse yet, why are you letting him sit and wander wherever he wants, only occasionally yanking him back to your lap when his babble becomes so loud even the back rows can hear it? Look, a moralistic parent might point out that a movie containing scenes of neck-breaking and waterboard torture isn't appropriate for the kid, but that's not really the issue—there's simply no way a 3-year-old is going to understand a movie about elaborate government conspiracies. I don't blame the kid for having zero interest whatsoever in what's onscreen; I blame you for being so arrogant you just have to watch the movie, even though you're boring the child and distracting everyone else in the auditorium by forcing him to tag along. Get a sitter, or wait for Netflix. And if the kid tries to spin-kick you in the head when he gets older, think about where he might have learned it.

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