Cat-Scratch Fever

Animals are freakin' hilarious. If you don't believe me, watch them. One Sunday, my girlfriend Sara Meows and I were staying inside, getting drunk like we like to do on a nice sunny day. We were watching cable, but as the old joke goes, 980 channels and there's still nothing good on. So we settled on a dog show. And I'm telling you we couldn't tear ourselves away from it. We laughed for about half an hour—even going to the bathroom was a whole "Oh, my God, what did I miss?!" ordeal. And although I've been accused of being mad for cats, that's only because I am. Which brings me to the greatest event I will ever write about for the Weekly: the Cat Fanciers' Cat Show at the Orange County Fairgrounds.

There will be rare breeds of cats, their fastidious owners and a whole lot of hullabaloo. What I'm interested in knowing is how on God's green Earth can you train a cat to walk around in a circle, stop for the judges and not go batshit crazy on the other felines in the arena. I can't get my cat to stop her habit of running at top speed all the way from the kitchen to throw her adorable feline body directly at the front door and hang from the doorknob. It's a subtle performance, but if you really pay attention to the movements, it's my academic assessment that she is trying to communicate how we're all trapped in this world by our prejudices and neuroses. Or she could just be saying, "Please let me out so I can fight with moths." It's hard to say. So bring your inhaler and check out the show. Beyond the pure joy of getting to see naturally funny animals navigate the regimented world of cat shows after attempts have been made to train them to be as super-serious as their owners, it might be worth it to see if you can crack the code of just exactly how you train a cat. I'm guessing it involves a lot of Bactine.

CFA South West Region Cat Show at the Orange County Fairgrounds, Building 14, 2701 Fairview Rd., Costa Mesa, (951) 769-2949; www.cfasouthwest.org. Sat., 9 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sun., 10 a.m.-5 p.m. $5-$20.