Teaching an Old Dick New Tricks

Thank God weve still got Dick Nixon to kick around

The folks at the Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace recently revealed an interactive simulator, which combines sophisticated programing with several hours of Nixon footage, allowing visitors a convincing interview experience with the 37th president. Unfortunately, when the Weekly visited, the machine was broken and simply spooling through preset answers taken from Nixon's historic interviews with David Frost and Frank Gannon in 1977 and 1983, respectively.

Since we were unable to ask questions, we dutifully recorded some of Tricky Dick's pithier quotes. Until the library gets around to fixing the actual SimDicky, the Weekly offers this low-tech stopgap. Try to match the totally made-up questions (letters A to E) to the 100-percent-real Nixon quotes (letters 1 to 5). Answers below!

QUESTIONS

A Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum worried that legalizing gay marriage might open the door to "man-on-dog" unions. What's your take on interspecies copulation, especially from the perspective of executive privilege?

B What's your most disappointing drinking story of all time?

C G. Gordon Liddy, one of your alleged henchmen during the Watergate years, reportedly came up with some pretty heinous ideas, such as killing journalist Jack Anderson and firebombing the Washington political think tank the Brookings Institution. Is Liddy really that much of a hardass?

D Do you have any advice for working families who are having a hard time making ends meet?

E This one time, The Orange County Registerbilled me for newspapers I didn't order. What do you think about that?

RESPONSES

1For three years—this—you'll find it hard to believe—I had a Milky Way for breakfast. Period. And it did do damage to the teeth, but it certainly was good for the pocketbook 'cause it only cost 5 cents.

2 I remember we got him a bathing suit. And the only kind they had was one of those old-fashioned ones that came clear down below his knees, you know. I mean, like you see in the Mack Sennett movies. Well, we went out. There was quite a few people on the beach. . . . We, frankly, were embarrassed, you know. . . . I felt ashamed immediately thereafterwards, to see him in the water, jumping and hopping around.

3 We take so much crap from the media. We hypocritically go through this charade that the press is fair. They're not fair.

4 When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.

5 We were back in a dimly lighted room, with a bar and very attractive, sort of sultry cocktail waitresses there. I didn't know what in the world to order. I'd never had a hard drink before. Sweeney said, 'Get a Tom Collins.' Well, I had a Tom Collins, and I must say I was more impressed, however, by just the atmosphere of the place and—and these attractive cocktail waitresses going around than I was by the booze.

Answers: We liked these combos: A-4, B-5, C-2, D-1, E-3. But maybe yours are funnier. Who are we to judge?

 
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