Twelve Films I'm Excited to See

The King of Kong. A bunch of dorks try to break the world-record high score for Donkey Kong. True story. I'm soooo there.

Son of Rambow: A Home Movie. Garth Jennings, director of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, gets more personal with this '80s tale of a young boy (Bill Milner) from a sheltered, religious family and his friendship with a more-worldly schoolmate (Will Poulter) who exposes him to the joys of Sylvester Stallone movies. Together, they film an unofficial sequel, Son of Rambo, which gains a cult following and forces them to confront the unforeseen problems of popularity. Kids I knew in the '80s played at being Jedi or superheroes—who wanted to be Stallone? I'm curious, and hope the film will reveal all.

I also hope not to have to see any of the following . . .

Finding Kraftland. A father and son bond and learn the meaning of life while going to theme parks and collecting Disney merchandise. It's a documentary. Why?

For Right or Wrong. A documentary about how cool snowboarding is. I don't doubt it, but I already saw First Descent, and if a snowboarding movie made by Mountain Dew Films can't excite me, I'm not expecting this one to, either.

Revolution Green. I know biodiesel is a good thing. I agree that dependence on oil is bad. I just don't want to see a whole movie about it.

The Sandlot: Heading Home. Who among you has ever said to yourself, "You know, what I'd really like to see is a sequel to The Sandlot"? Anybody? Did you also hope that it would involve a time-travel gimmick for a framing device? Wish granted. Enjoy. I'll be at the bar.

Eye of the Dolphin. A 14 year-old-girl (Lizzie McGuire's Carly Schroeder) learns how to communicate with dolphins. Poor dolphins.

Moondance Alexander. A teenage girl (Kay Panabaker) finds a lost pony and tries to train it to be a champion jumper. Arguably more constructive than swimming with dolphins.

Speed Dating. I've done actual speed dating. All the women I met were elementary-school teachers and women's-rights lawyers. Every one of them turned me down—both times. Maybe my condescension toward movies about teenage girls and their animal chums was the deal-breaker.

Love and Dance (Siper Hatzi-Russi). Sort of like Mad Hot Ballroom, but in Russian—kids learn self-esteem by taking ballroom-dance classes. Can't we just give them Ritalin instead?

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