By Gustavo Arellano
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By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Dear Mexican: Why should Mexican nationals have more of a right to stay in this country than the Chinese, Somalis or others who can't cross an open-land border and must thus wait on the bureaucracy like everybody else?
700 Miles Isn't Long Enough
Dear Gabacho: 'Cause this land once belonged to Mexico—kidding! In reality, I'm not sure what prompts your question, 700 Miles. Amnesty advocates wish to legalize all of the 12 million or so undocumented aliens in this country (except for the Guatemalans, of course). The only group that demands special treatment for Mexicans is the Mexican government, and no one takes that bag of pendejos seriously—not even Mexicans. All nationalities deserve a shot to smuggle themselves into this country, and all nationalities take it. Mexicans constitute just a little more than half of all the illegals in the United States, according to a March 2006 report by the Pew Hispanic Center; the same report also estimates that other Latinos represent 22 percent of border hoppers, while chinos chip in with 13 percent and Europeans and Africans make up the rest of the chunk. I don't think I have to talk about why wabs make up such a disproportionate number of the illegal population, but if you want a quick explanation, read my response to the following question.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Gabacho Really Wants to Know
Dear Gabacho: Just one. But then Juan will tell his relatives about how screwing in gabacholight bulbs pays more than screwing in Mexican ones, and the reconquistabegins.
Have you noticed how all those guys like Bill O'Reilly, Lou Dobbs and Glenn Beck go on and on about Mexicans and immigration? It seems like they fear the taco truck more than the Taliban. I think they go nuts because some Mexicans look like Arabs or Muslims. I blame all the prietos for this. That's why they're always the bad guys in the telenovelas. Damn prietos always fucking shit up. Saddam Hussein looked like my freakin' uncle with the ostrich boots, and I can easily pass for the Iranian president. All I need is a khaki Members Only jacket.
Dear Wab: Lay off the Cazadores for a day, ¿qué no? Your pregunta is as splatter-happy as Jackson Pollock—Taliban this, O'Reilly that, and then you use a word that requires an explanation for the gabachos! Pero there is some method to your chingadera, so let's begin. The fact that many Mexicans look like they're fresh off the camel is due to the Moorish-Iberian mutts who colonized the Americas. Swarthy foreigners have always inspired fear amongst gabachos (read Edward Said's Orientalism for a better treatise on the subject), so you're probably right in theorizing that Mexican-hate draws from this archetypal well and inspires added venom due to the unconscious Mexican-Muslim connection. And you confirm your suspicion by blaming the prietos. Gabachos: prietos are what Mexicans call the darker-skinned members of our race. They suffer the brunt of our jokes, get portrayed in the Mexican media as little better than maids and banditos, and must suffer with the stigma of their bronze complexion for life. It doesn't matter that the Mexican intelligentsia mythologizes the country's indigenous past, or that way more Mexicans are prietos than güeros (light-skinned)—if you're a brownie amongst beaners, you're caca out of luck.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity,cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!