By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
The woman who lives next door is continually . . .
—calling to borrow a cup of sugar.
—calling you her cup of sugar.
—showing you why she's nicknamed sugar-tits.
—giving you head.
The man who lives next door keeps inviting you over for a little . . .
You believe the line between harmless flirtation and cheating is . . .
—oral sex where you pretend you're playing the flute.
—not telling your opponent he has sunk your battleship when he actually did, thereby
throwing off his strategy completely . . . you did, too, Rick!
—oral sex where you pretend you're a car engine, including making the "vroom-
—oral sex during "Battleship" . . . you did, too, Rick!
At the gym you find yourself spending more and more time . . .
—realizing how creating a healthy body helps you enter the temple of the soul.
—watching the aerobics classes.
—masturbating in the shower.
—really "going to temple" on the healthy body you met on the next treadmill.
Complete this sentence: "It's not cheating if . . ."
—it takes place in a different state.
—it takes place in a different county.
—it takes place in a different area code.
—my partner buys my explanation.
Going to a prostitute . . .
—is not cheating, but rather a physical and economic transaction that often can have
positive ramifications for a relationship that is in a bit of a malaise.
—costs about $200, unless Lady Mystique is offering her Twofer Tuesday special.
—is not at all the same as doing the bidding of dominant Arthur Sire, who is at turns witty, playful, cruel and creative.
The last gift you gave your favorite co-worker was . . .
—something from the break-room vending machine.
—a teddy bear.
—a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret.
—a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood.
When you consider the phrase "'til death do us part," you . . .
—profoundly appreciate the sanctity of the wedding vow.
—wonder whether talk like that isn't just a little heavy for a wedding, which after all is
supposed to be a happy occasion.
—still can't understand how the MTV reality show about the marriage of now-divorced Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra didn't end in the cemetery.
—say "fuck that!"
Every week you seem to come up with an endearing new . . .
—nickname for your partner.
—screen name for your e-mail account.
—reason you got home so late.
—sexually transmitted disease.