Tueday, Feb. 6
What would happen if they held an election and nobody came? Voters in the first district selected a new supervisor today, and by "voters" and "selected" I mean no one under the age of Paleozoic. And now we go to Weekly correspondent Nardine Saadat a local polling place: "A whopping 130 voters reported to their polling sites at Spurgeon Methodist Church and Santiago Elementary, where the elderly dutifully served as pollsters and empty space served as voters. Ivan Ashbaugh, a peppy polling inspector—yes, PEPPY—observes that 'It's disappointingly quiet.' One voter who was struggling with the new eSlates commented, 'All this fuss for one guy?' Replied Ashbaugh, 'We'll do it for one; we'll do it for one hundred,' as the woman left on her geriatric scooter. On the plus side, poll worker Maricella Gonzalez got a quarter ways through Jeffrey Archer'sThe Prodigal Daughter at the Santiago site." Just as the Founding Fathers intended . . . completely naked.