Trendzilla

Alpha Beta Gamma Whatevers

Four years ago, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Sienna Miller and Pamela Anderson wore them in the tabloids—and even with the big boobs, money and fame, they couldn't pull off the Ugg boot. Two years ago, sorority and high school girls paired them with outfits from Hollister/Abercrombie/American Eagle/Aťropostale, jeans rolled up to their knees, stringy denim skirts, trucker hats, Juicy Couture velour sweat pants (tucked in, thus creating some sort of disgusting, billowy pantaloons effect), and the worst—peasant skirts. One year ago, sorority and high school girls traded in the trucker hats for leggings. And then they wore denim skirts, leggings and the Ugg boots. Together.

And now? They're still wearing them. With everything imaginable: pretty dresses, tights, sweats, whatever—ruining otherwise perfectly fine outfits. All over my college campus are women still delusional enough to pair their Uggs with every goddamn thing you can think of. It's time to let go.

Uggs, those fleece-lined sheepskin boots from Australia and New Zealand, were originally called ug or ugh boots—short for ugly. (Hint No. 1.) There, they are commonly associated with "bogans," a derogatory Australian and New Zealander slang term for those belonging to a poorly educated, unrefined lower class—the trailer trash of Down Under. (Hint No. 2.)

Bogan-y, photo by Vickie Chang
Bogan-y, photo by Vickie Chang

I understand they're comfortable. That's why competitive swimmers and surfers wear them, for those dawn patrol sessions when warm feet are pretty much required. That I get. But otherwise, this is Southern California, where winter means 65-degree weather and a total of seven days of rain. And if you're really all that cold, why with the denim skirts? Why?

I saw this girl at a house party in Irvine (I wouldn't expect any less of you, Irvine) and I was so excited I could hardly hold my camera still—not that she shared in my excitement or anything. She just nodded at me and kept chatting away on her cell phone, keys to her shiny Lexus (on a gigantic Hello Kitty plushie keychain) dangling from her other hand.

Her heather gray American Eagle hoodie layered over a long white (American Eagle? Hollister? Forever 21?) tank, lush white scarf (knitted by her aunt), striped American Apparel knee-high gym socks and exposed legs are evidence of the strange Californian winter thing that's captivated so many Alpha Beta Gamma Whatevers. The only other recent trend I can think of that's worse than the Uggs is that time a few seasons ago when Abercrombie tried convincing some poor suckers that leg warmers looked good with flip-flops. (They succeeded.)

Still, there are a few redeeming things about her outfit. One: she's got the best legs I've ever seen. And two: she's not carrying a technicolored Coach purse so tiny you could lose it in an armpit.

 
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