By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
If you're tired of buying overpriced drinks at an overtly posh, overly stuffy, pseudo-dance club cum meat market just to secure a single vodka-breath kiss for that wickedly hazy twilight hour, put away that credit card and revert to a time when what you wanted could be had with a rough hair pull, a violent arm grab or a simple call to your feudal militants. Men and women of the high Middle Ages knew how to party. No ex-lover text messaging at the bar or sex-dancing to distracting, off-time countdowns. No mascara tears in the last stall of a puke- and gossip-filled ladies' room. Medieval cats didn't need Sparks heart injections as an excuse to bludgeon someone to death for a haphazard lazy-eye gaze or a snarky remark on the castle's new glass window. Being civilized has gotten so boring!
Medieval Times, the dinner theater that presents action-packed tournaments and chivalric contests before guests gnawing on the bones of helpless poultry and sloppily drinking cola out of 10-pound goblets like it's summertime under the Slurpee machine, is offering an "all-inclusive New Year's Eve package." There'll be preshow hors d'oeuvres, white-man's-overbite dancing, party favors (mini maces that glow in the dark?), a gluttonous four-course meal and, of course, a two-hour performance that'll have you attempting a spirited (i.e. drunk) "Blue Knight!" or "Yellow Knight!" yell through a mouthful of potatoes and a rapid onset of the gout.
New Year's Eve at Medieval Times, 7662 Beach Blvd., Buena Park, (888) 935-6878; www.medievaltimes.com. Sun., 9:30 p.m. $49.95; children 12 and under, $33.95.