Situation:You're single. And live alone. And your family is out of state. It's Christmas Eve. How do you black out without totally killing yourself?
How to drink your way through it:"It's Christmas Eve! You go to the bar, and you aren't alone any more! Pick someone up!" Only in that case, Johnny realizes, "you don't want to black out." So, if you really do want to black out: "Buy a case of PBR—you can drink it for a long time, get sadder and sadder, maybe write some good poetry. Just make sure all your sharp objects are put away."
You're not alone anymore. /Photo by John Gilhooley
What happens if:You want to pass out with a smile on your face? "This is for when I'm feeling slightly sassy but I know I'm going to be alone," Johnny starts. "I'll go to CVS, buy a case of cheap champagne, and dump it in the tub. Then, I add some hot water, grab my top hat and a cigarette and climb in." Sounds divine, but be sure not to pass out inside the tub—top hat or no, no one wants to be found like that in the morning.
VISIT JOHNNY ON THURSDAYS AND FRIDAYS AT MEMPHIS SANTORA, 201 N. BROADWAY, IN THE ARTISTS VILLAGE, SANTA ANA, (714) 564-1064; WWW.MEMPHISCAFE.COM.