Lost Christmas

Our very special holiday survival guide

Hey, how about that cover illustration! My idea. Well, actually, my idea was far more carnage-y—Santa chomping down on something with a shiny red nose, an elf on the rotisserie—but, still, Merry Christmas!

Ooooooh,we hate the holidays! The holidays are so stressful!The holidays are so hard! The Water Pik keeps demanding I do terrible things to the dog. We hear it every year and every year we tell you to shut your Yule hole. The holidays are great, a special time of year when you get to do things like use the word Yule. You also get stuff. And you get to give stuff, which means you get to go shopping, which means for every gift you get to give, you get two to give yourself which is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind. That and slavery.

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So, we wish you a Happy Holidays, all the time knowing you won't because you can't even stand up to the Water Pik who, we told you from the start, was a user, but you know best . . .

Anyway, we really do wish you a Happy Holidays and so, in lieu of some chintzy-ass gift card to Doilies 'N Things, we give you our Holiday Survival Guide. Here you'll find the answers to not only what music to play when you feel the holiday blues, but what booze to drink. We empathize with your fashion challenges, the greatest of which is weather so nice you don't get to wear great winter clothes. We also tell you about great movies to see and have a ripping yarn about hot swinger/holiday action that actually hasn't been turned in yet, but if it ever is . . . wait, it just came in. And I'm being told it has something to do with carnal moose and Harold Ramis. You don't get much more holiday-ier than that. Wait . . .

 
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