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Lunch in One Act

Mascarpones, unscripted

(Indecipherable garble.)

Theo: That's why you need to have a gun.

Steve: So where do we go?

Not so blurry. Photo by Jennie Warren
Not so blurry. Photo by Jennie Warren

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Mascarpone's

1448 E. Katella Ave.
Orange, CA 92867

Category: Restaurant > Italian

Region: Orange

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Nick: Get on the 55 [Freeway].

Steve: Cool.

Theo: You've heard about who killed Nicole Simpson?

Jennie: Who?

Nick: No, don't get on here.

Steve: Why not?

Nick: It's the 22.

Steve: What do I want?

Nick: The 55.

Steve: Where's that?

Theo: Yeah, she was into the guy for like $50,000, so he killed her. You haven't heard about this?

Nick: I heard O.J. just wanted to slash her tires but then she surprised him and he freaked. Do you have any air conditioning in this car?

Steve (under breath): Nick's a pain in the ass.

Nick: So your kid is into volleyball?

Steve: Yeah, in fact, Maddy is really good.

Nick: Does he like beach or indoor more?

Steve: Maddy is a girl.

Nick: Oh.

Steve (under breath): Pain in the ass.

Jennie: There it is.

Theo: On Katella.

Steve: You know how they got Katella? Some guy, some developer guy had two daughters, one named Kate one named Ella.

Theo: If that was today, one would be named Tiffany and one would be named Amber and the name of the street would be . . .

Steve: Tiffamber.

Theo: Or Amiffany.

THEY WALK INSIDE. THE RESTAURANT IS DARK, WELCOMING, WITH A QUILTED CEILING. WAITERS MOVE QUIETLY AND PURPOSEFULLY ABOUT THE ROOM. CONVERSATION LULLS, JENNIE TELLS THE TABLE THAT HER DAD USED TO OWN LAUNDROMATS BUT THEN SCREWED THINGS UP.

Steve: How'd he do that?

Jennie: I dunno, my mom just said he screwed things up?

Steve: Too much bleach?

Theo: All Tempa-Cheer.

WAITER BRINGS CALAMARI TO THE TABLE.

Nick: This is good. The sauce is a little spicy, I like it.

Steve: And chunky, I like chunky.

Jennie: The tentacles are interesting.

Steve: This squid is good, not too chewy.

Theo: The thing about the Playstation [3] is I don't know if I'm into waiting for stuff outside overnight.

Nick: What you need to do is find someone who can get stuff.

Jennie: I know a guy who can get stuff. His name is Sean. That's not really his name . . .

Nick: How's he do it?

Jennie: What?

Nick: Get stuff?

Jennie: It's his job.

Nick: But how's he do it?

Jennie: He gets stuff.

Nick: So, he steals it.

Jennie: Basically.

WAITER BRINGS SALADS AND MINESTRONE SOUP. JENNIE BEGINS TAKING A SERIES OF CALLS ON HER CELL PHONE.

Steve: Oh, this looks nice.

Nick: Mention the way the carrots are cut in the salad; very elegant.

Steve: Who is Jennie talking to?

Jennie: Ashley.

Steve: Is that her real name?

Nick: Mention that Jennie is acting all Hollywood.

Steve: How's the soup?

Theo: Good. It's real spicy. It's okay. It's not the best I ever had . . . Dude! I think the guy just heard me dis the soup!

WAITER BRINGS FOUR ENTREES TO THE TABLE: LINGUINE WITH CLAMS AND MUSSELS (THEO); SPAGHETTI WITH SHRIMP (JENNIE); SALMON WITH PASTA IN A CREAM RED SAUCE (STEVE); CAPELLINI WITH SCALLOPS (NICK).

Theo: That's the thing, the thing about the Irish being a bunch of drunks is totally true.

Steve: I'm Irish.

Jennie: How am I going to do this?

JENNIE ATTEMPTS TO TAKE PICTURE OF THEO'S ENTREE WITHOUT ATTRACTING ATTENTION OF RESTAURANT STAFF.

Jennie: Oh, I feel bad. I shouldn't get paid for this picture. It's blurry.

Steve: So, how's yours?

Nick: It's good. It's in like a white wine sauce.

Jennie: My sister drinks white wine. She hasn't heard that saying.

Steve: What saying?

Jennie: Girls who drink white wine are bitches. Girls who drink red wine are cool.

Steve: That's a saying?

Theo: I think mine's good, although the seafood may be overcooked a bit. But it's good.

Steve: Mine's really good. Kinda subtle, creamy, hearty. Comfort food. The salmon is really good. The sauce is just a little spicy, just enough to catch in your throat. It's good.

Jennie: Mine's okay. I think it needs hot sauce.

Nick: Can I try?

Jennie: Sure.

Nick: That's good and there's a lot of garlic on it. You can't taste it?

Jennie (shrugs)

Nick (shrugs)

Theo: I like garlic. I want to cook a bunch of garlic in the oven.

Steve: This is a goal for you?

Theo: I think these guys are keeping the Gipsy Kings in business.

Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy.

Steve: Is this the Gipsy Kings? I've never actually heard them.

Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy.

Nick: This isn't the Gipsy Kings.

Jennie: There are a lot of gypsies in Italy. My friend says they shit right in the street. Can you imagine? Poo right in the street.

Steve: So everybody likes their food?

Jennie: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah.

Theo: Whatever.

Nick: You know, it's interesting, Steve's writing down everything we say and so we haven't gossiped at all at lunch.

Jennie: Guys gossip?

Nick: We gossip.

Steve: I'll stop writing. White wine?

MASCARPONE'S, 1448 E. KATELLA AVE., ORANGE, (714) 633-0101. OPEN TUES.-FRI., 11 A.M.-3 P.M., 5-9 P.M.; SAT.-SUN., 5-10 P.M. LUNCH FOR FOUR, $60-$90. BEER, WINE.

 
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