By Dave Barton
By LP Hastings
By Sarah Bennett
By LP Hastings
By Jena Ardell
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
By Joel Beers
What up, Newport Beach! You guys are the best ever. Really, this girl on the left has got the most remarkable physique. Seriously. I didn't think it was anatomically possible, but if Malibu Barbie were real, this would be her. Tiny waist, skinny legs, skinny arms and uh, really impressive . . . yeah. I can even deal with the fake-and-bake tan. Fine. Some people enjoy a little color in their lives. And the Newport uniform of the always (always) bust-enhancing halter top, designer jeans and (overpriced) sterling silver Tiffany & Co. jewelry—fine, fine.
The problem here, kids, is somewhere around, well, the face. Shit, that sounds harsh, but it's really just the tons of additives here:
Dig #1: the honey-brown colored contacts. Extreme colored contacts have been popular lately for some reason, even with the male crowd. But they very, very, very rarely look good—or even the least bit natural. And we cantell. (Especially when you're a spiky-haired Chinese kid with aquamarine-colored eyes. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING?)
Dig #2: If I were kiiiiing of the forrrrrest . . .The roots. The hay-colored curlicues framing the face. The Cowardly Lion. It's a mistake Mariah Carey made recently, too. Poor Mimi.
Dig #3: The makeup. Frosted pink lips? Streaky brown eyeshadow? Overly bushy false lashes? And where'd your eyebrows go? This still adds up to one thing: that damn Lion again. I'm sorry. Really, I am.
If you're going to go with a fake-and-bake, girls, just remember to adjust your makeup and hair along with it. Too many shades of brown mashed together in one place might make even youresemble a kitty of some sort. And not a good make-the-boys-purr kind of kitty. The bad kind of kitty that results in you-resembling-the-Cowardly-Lion-and/or-Mariah-Carey-and/or-Ice-T's-wife.
Google that if you must.