An Ode to Cereal

It's a fact: sugary cereals such as Cap'n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Cookie-Crisp, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch—even Kix!—are not the stuff of a well-balanced breakfast, but rather a convenient way for any 7-year-old kid to eat dessert for brekkie, and for parents to feel a little less guilty about the time Junior begged for—and received—Pop-Tarts à la mode (with syrup and a cherry on top). There are, of course, those who will contend otherwise, those who will claim that these boxes of diabetes are actually good for you (here's looking at you, Kellogg's—Smart Start, my ass!), but that's, well, a load of crap. Or sugar. Anyway. My solution? Shelve the Froot Loops, bring on the Bran Flakes. Start the day off right, y'know? Follow with a healthy lunch, snack and dinner, and then, when the moon is yea high, throw on some jammies, pop in a good DVD and head to the pantry for perhaps the greatest pleasure known to man: sugary cereal at night. My favorite? Apple Jacks. That cavity-drilling mix of fructose and grain and whatever apple-ish chemical they add; those heavenly red flakes of, uh, something on those adorable little o's, best when just the slightest bit soggy; the yummy orange/pink milk that's left for you to slurp afterward—have you ever had a dessert so delicious? Well, maybe you have, but I'll bet it never tasted like your entire second-grade year and Candy Land all in one. Best of all, Mom's not around to yell if you sneak a second bowl.