It's a Living

Topless Maid

"Crystal Clean" operates Topless Cleaners (motto: "Dust to Lust"), serving all of Southern California.

Do you arrive just wearing a coat, or do you change in the bathroom? How does it work?

Well, it depends what part of town it is, and what time of day. We arrive dressed discreetly. We don't want to embarrass anybody.

Do you have a bodyguard with you when you do this?

No. We're usually going to pretty nice parts of town, often during the day. If it's somebody we've never seen before, we're not gonna go there after midnight. If we have any reason to be concerned, we might send two girls together.

Do you have self-defense training?

Well, sure, every girl needs her Mace, you know? We've never had an issue.

Do you give customers a list of rules before you do this? Like, no kids in the house, no pets allowed, whatever?

Well, nobody's ever had their kids there when we showed up; they know better than that. Pets are fine. I know one girl who's a little nervous around large dogs. But that's no problem: you just put the dog in another room. We're fine with cats.

Do guys ever have their wives there?

Sure, we do shows for couples all the time. And just women too.

Is that weird?

It's fun! We do shows for women a couple of times a week. Women call to have girls come and do a show, but they call asking about guys too. We've hired a few guys, but it didn't work out.

Why not?

Well, I don't think men are really used to cleaning a lot. [Giggles.] That's what women are for.

So what sort of rules do you have about what people can and can't do?

We don't have rules, exactly. We feel out the situation when we're there. We won't do toilets—that's something we specify on our website, toplesscleaners.com. But otherwise, we'll wash dishes, we'll vacuum. We do it all. We wash cars too.

You wash cars . . . topless? Where? In the garage? You couldn't do that out on the street.

No, we usually wear T-shirts for that.

Oh, right. But by rules, I meant . . . well, can people, like, jerk off while you're working? Is that allowed?

Our policy is, "Don't ask, don't tell." It's behind closed doors. People can do what they like with their own bodies. [Sultry.] You know, if they're watching us, while we're bent over, working . . .

Right. Okay. I've noticed you refer to these sessions as "shows." Do you consider this more of a performance, or more of a house cleaning?

It's entertainment, but we're always very thorough. Like, I went to this guy's place, down by the beach. He had all these construction workers there renovating the place, and it was filthy. We don't bring our own cleaning supplies, and he was really hippie about the whole thing. He was like, "Just use what's under the sink." All he had were organic cleaning supplies, stuff he'd gotten at Trader Joe's, so there was no bleach or anything. He should've called in an exterminator . . . there were silverfish everywhere! It was pretty disgusting, but we always get the job done.

And you had to clean all that up topless? Do you wear gloves or an apron or anything? It would seem like you'd get a lot of rashes, getting splashed with bleach and stuff.

We wear gloves and use a lot of Soft Scrub. That's my favorite. It has bleach in it, but it doesn't splash.

What does your family think about what you do?

I didn't tell them at first. I was worried about my mom; she's very religious. She only found out by accident, when I was visiting at Christmastime. She found a piece of paper with some ideas on it for cleaning shows.

I wanna get back to your mom's reaction, but what sort of ideas were these? You don't just show up and, like, clean? Do you do role-playing or juggle or something?

Well, there is a fantasy element. And there are different props. There are a lot of things you can do with a feather duster. And there's more than one way to fluff a pillow. You can fluff it like your grandmama would fluff it, or you can do it in a sexy way.

I'm honestly not sure how somebody would fluff a pillow in a sexy way.

[Sultry again.] Well, there are things girls do with pillows . . . behind closed doors.

Oh! I see. I think.

Right.

So . . . uh, your mom found the paper.

She found the paper. Fortunately, she was much more accepting than I maybe would've expected.

Do you tell strangers what you do?

Sometimes I just say I clean houses, or that I'm an entertainer. Other times I come out and say it.

How do they react?

They ask a lot of the questions you're asking. They want to know what we do with the guys, if we do windows . . .

Do you do windows?

We do. With our nipples pressed up against the glass.

 
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