!Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican,
Having traveled all around the world, I see tourists of all nationalities—except Mexicans. I know they have the means, what with their buying of all those gas-guzzling Chevy trucks and gold chains to go with the tooth. You can't say they're ultra-poor—I consider myself lower-middle-class, and I've traveled! Why can't mycompadres?
Chicano Malinchista

Of all of the places in the world I've visited, I've never met a Mexican traveler. When I talk to my Mexican co-workers, their idea of travel is eating road-dust tacos, drinking tequila and getting harassed by the federales in Rosarito Beach. Is that why they have such a narrow-minded view of the world?
Winnebago Güero

Dear Pocho and Gabacho,
What are you cabrones talking about? Mexicans are the ultimate travelers—why do you think gabachoscall us border-hoppers? But we don't backpack across Europe like you, Chicano Malinchista, because Mexicans view traveling differently. When we travel, it's to the ranchoso we can show off said gold teeth, chains and Silverados large enough to rival anything the U.S. has deployed in Fallujah. Anywhere besides la patria is a luxury affordable only to those with secure jobs and disposable income—traits few Mexicans can boast. This Mexican, for instance, hasn't taken time off since spring 2004—I'm afraid management will hand my rake to a younger, less expensive Mexican while I'm gone (or maybe a Guatemalan!). Perhaps this limited vacation experience leads to a narrow Mexican world-view, Winnebago Güero, but you're one to talk: while the number of passports issued to Americans increased dramatically from 7.3 million in 2003 to 8.8 million in 2004, that hasn't translated into a broadening of the gabacho mind—we're still in Iraq, aren't we?

Why do Mexican males dislikegabachos but will trade their mother, sister, wife and dog for agabacha? I can't say I blameustedes! Fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes beat the shit out of Mexicanputas any day.
Aryan Amor

What do you Mexicans think of us gabachos who snap up your gorgeousseñoritas and make naturally tan babies?
Make Me Another Taco, Lupe

Men from different cultures stealing women from each other is a pastime as old as the Bible, and gabachos are beating Mexicans at the moment. According to the 2000 Census, the number of households where Latinas married gabachostotaled 766,819, while 656,269 Latinos snagged a pretty gabachita(disclaimer: while the Census has categories for race, income and size of household, it has yet to include bubbles for hotness, so the "pretty gabachita" comment is pure speculation).But it doesn't matter who's cogeando who: the Tan Man will prevail. That's what Costa Mesa political kingpin Martin Millard called the offspring of Mexican-gabacho couplings in various articles he wrote for neo-Nazi publications over the years; such kids, Millard warned, would turn the United States into "a slimy brown mass of glop." This pinche puto pendejobaboso helped Mayor Allan Mansoor get elected in 2002; Mansoor, in turn, allowed Millard to remain on the city's influential residential redevelopment and rehabilitation committee. Hizzoner also put Millard's anti-Mexican agenda into action by closing the city's day laborer center in December and seeking to turn Costa Mesa police officers into migra. Millard resigned on Feb. 11; he offered no reason, but many political observers figure he stepped down to make Mansoor's proposals more palatable to the public. The irony is that Mansoor is a Tan Man, a product of an Egyptian and a Scandinavian—proof racists will drop their hate and befriend slimy minorities when necessary.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we'll make one up for you!