By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Though Keesling, a sex therapist and former sex surrogate, and Beattie both say they try to get their clients to relax—Keesling, in Sexual Healing, advised touching purely for their own pleasure, thereby "taking the pressure off"—Keesling does add that men's worries about heightened female expectations are not unfounded.
"Frankly, women are especially more demanding for orgasms—their standards for a lover are much higher," she says. "When my mom married in 1953, the expectations for marital sex were nothing. Today, many women will simply not consider a man who is a bad lover as a long-term partner."
So what the hell do you do? Perform or don't? Worry or don't? Hell, I don't know, but one thing is pretty clear. You shouldn't watch porn. I mean, watch all the porn you want, I'm watching some right now, just resist the temptation to apply what you see on the screen in the bedroom.
"That's where porn can be a bad thing," Beattie says. "It's very formul no foreplay, an oral scene, regular intercourse, then some kind of exotic intercourse like anal, then the guy comes on his girlfriend. Very few women want that. But guys who watch that are trained to believe that this is good sex."
"The dirty little secret of pornography," Keesling says, "is most women don't want to have sex that way."
So what to do? I dunno, chill out, I guess.
Beattie is fond of quoting the Hustler motto: "Relax, it's just sex."
Hey, you know what's good for relaxing? Yoga.