By Gustavo Arellano
By Aimee Murillo
By Matt Coker
By Vickie Chang
By Matt Coker
By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
Wednesday, Nov. 30
George W. Bush makes a speech at the Arizona-Mexico border telling everyone what a fantastic job his administration is doing in regards to illegal immigrants, sending them back to where they came from, where they remain for five, sometimes 10 minutes before returning themselves back to where they came from. Ironically, Bush, who's been out of the country, manages to sneak back in despite approval numbers so low that the only people less popular are illegal immigrants—well, illegal immigrants with hepatitis B presently using your toothbrush to groom themselves in places not originally intended (butt). Despite his dispopulariness (his words, I'm assuming), Bush's speech is met with a lot of enthusiasm, albeit from a crowd intent on steadily moving toward the interior. By the way, I dunno if you read Gustavo Arellano's cover story a couple of weeks back in which he confessed that he planned to smuggle a young man in from Mexico until finally pussing out—nice pussing out, Gustavo, you puss (or, as the French girls say, pussois). Well, Gustavo just told me that the guy managed to get himself back into the country. That's right, he's back and living among us. That could be him right now, giving excellent service to the wad at the next table who won't stop talking on his cell phone about his cell phone . . . Who loves Taryn? We do! Happy birthday, T.
Thursday, Dec. 1
Alleged public safety/personal illumination menace Theresa Dang is found not guilty of stealing a Garden Grove police officer's flashlight during a May demonstration protesting the appearance of Minuteman founder Jim Gilchrist. The cops say they have videotape of Dang taking the flashlight, but some question why DA Tony Rackauckas would go to court over a $100 flashlight, especially since the trial and its buildup cost taxpayers somewhere in the neighborhood of $50,000. Defenders of Rackauckas' decision say that the moment we appease flashlight takers is the moment the terrorists, torch-carrying terrorists, win. It's right there in the Bible, people, St. Paul's Letter to the Everreadians, as well as the classic O. Henry story "The Gift of the Maglite." ("My stars, I sold my batteries to get you this flashlight." "But dearest, I sold my flashlight to get you these batteries . . . Hey, is Tony Rackauckas getting this on videotape?" "My stars, what's a Tony Rackauckas videotape?" "About $50,000.") Now, I'm not saying the DA thought a guilty verdict was in the bag, but his underlings had already scheduled several people to speak at the trial's sentencing phase, including the flashlight's owner as well as some of the flashlight's friends, who were going to talk about its work with troubled teens.
Friday, Dec. 2
A U.S. District court says Santiago High student Charlene Nguon has a right to sue her principal and the Garden Grove school district after the principal revealed to Ms. Nguon's mother that her daughter was gay, a fact the mother was unaware of. Nguon is also upset that school officials had repeatedly told her and her girlfriend not to kiss on school grounds but didn't make similar demands of coupling heterosexual couples (wonder if the cops have any of that on tape?). This is all so quaint to this Catholic high school grad, since kissing was the least of what was going on in our hallways, especially on the back staircase, or, as we used to refer to it, the advanced biology lab.
Saturday, Dec. 3
Reggie Bush is fast.
Sunday, Dec. 4
The New York Times runs a story today about Independent candidate Jim Gilchrist's strong showing in the campaign leading up to Tuesday's special election in the 48th Congressional District to fill the seat vacated by Christopher Cox. Gilchrist's main/only issue is illegal immigration, and this reminds me of a conversation I had over the Thanksgiving holiday with a general contractor who told me that his company had refused to use Mexican laborers on ethical grounds. But, he said, they finally relented and, he said, the Mexicans have saved his business. I said I assumed it was because they worked cheap. He said, shut your hole, it's because they show up. "These are the hardest-working workers I've ever had. I got so tired of trying to get white guys off their mother's couch. These guys are calling me at 6 a.m. from the work site saying, 'Hey, we're here, where are you?'"
Monday, Dec. 5
A new study says that California is losing about 100,000 residents a year to other states because housing prices are too high. Unfortunately, all the ones who remain are presently on the Garden Grove Freeway.
Tuesday, Dec. 6
So voters in the 48th District go to the polls today in what is supposed to be a foregone conclusion. Warm body John Campbell, a guy who looks really funky in jeans and whose greatest asset is that he has an (R) after his name, is the odds-on favorite to win in this overwhelmingly Republican district. Still, to say voters aren't excited about Campbell—the choice of local Republican power brokers—is an understatement since, in a district 163 percent Republican, he received only 45 percent of the vote in the primary. Campbell, who appears so lifelike at times it's frightening, will probably get his biggest challenge from Gilchrist, his message of getting tough with those who defile our borders and flashlights resonating with angry white males and people who've dropped their keys in darkened underground parking garages. Gilchrist is running so strong that it's actually caused Campbell to sort of run away from the immigration issue. Campbell, his lips moving in perfect synchronization, says he'd like to be talking about other things besides illegal immigration, mostly about how he has the (R) at the end of his name. Republicans say they aren't concerned about Gilchrist. They confidently predict that Campbell will win and thoughtfully give the exact number of votes he'll receive and when he'll make his acceptance speech before being shut down for the evening to recharge.
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